The mother interferes with her daughter's personal life. Mother does not let her live her life

Growing up for any daughter ends at the moment when a certain symbolic umbilical cord of psychological dependence on her mother is cut. Sometimes, we do our best to avoid this vital, but extremely difficult operation, fearing to make mistakes. Thanks to the book Susan Cohen "Mothers Who Drive Their Daughters Crazy" you can not only gain independence, but also maintain good relations with your beloved mother.

There is no feeling stronger than and there is nothing more painful than a discord in the relationship between mom and her baby... The invisible umbilical cord, which once served to transfer experience from mother to daughter, must in due time die out and set the girl free. But, sometimes, the circumstances are not at all like that. Grow up daughters, mothers are getting old, and the invisible thread between them does not disappear anywhere, tying the young woman more and more tightly hand and foot, not allowing her to breathe deeply, depriving her of the opportunity to build her own according to her own understanding.

I understand that I am touching on a topic as complex as it is controversial, but I ask all mothers to objectively evaluate this problem from different angles. Sad fact: rarely does anyone manage to ruin something like that. life daughter, as her own mother can do. As it is said: those who love us are defenseless in front of us.

The mother's love (unlike any other) has a biological nature (it is built on the basis of an animal instinct) and that is why it tends to degenerate into painful forms, like overprotection, overbear ... cross.

The essence of the whole problem, often, is to be found in the unsettled personal life of the mother. Fleeing from the unhappy, instead of organizing her own happiness, she completely devotes herself to raising her daughter, and then her husband, baby…

As a daughter grows up, it depends on her mother how their relationship will develop in the future: will they become girlfriends and partners (right) or their connection will more resemble a nightmare tangled tangle of excruciating torments from the fact that they both love and hate each other ( not right).

Another common mistake mothers make is unwillingness to work on themselves. Therefore, they sacrifice their own dreams (to build a career, to develop) their daughters (you often hear from them: “I’m a mother, I have to”). It becomes so habitual for her to sacrifice herself that any attempt daughters getting out from under my mother's wing causes a response panic: “What about me ?!”.

Any mother makes big plans for the future of her beloved daughter: education, career, family life… And, as a rule, a grandiose future is drawn — such that the mother herself did not manage to build. And if a daughter sees her world in a different way from her mother, then reproaches and drills begin (in case of a wrong relationship), or the mother recognizes the daughter's right to see the world with her own eyes and adhere to her values ​​and interests (even if the mother does not approve of them).

Darling, if you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions, then it's never too late to start changing: discuss with your daughter all important issues concerning her, advise and warn, and do not impose your opinion. The daughter should feel support and care coming from you, and not neglect of her choice of friends and life path.

And one more thing: insults and comparisons with other people have no place in mother's relationship and her daughters... Banned phrases like “What have you done with your hair again — stick out like straw!”, “Take an example from your sister, she has only A's, and you ...!”

Since any conflict is resolved by the efforts of two parties, here are some tips for daughters. If your mom has already crossed the 50-year threshold, do not expect her to change (this can happen in an exceptional case). But it is within your power to take the first step to building a good relationship: try to understand her and become not only more tolerant, but even wiser than her. Trust me, it will pay off.

If you cannot win hostility to the mother first of all, try to see her as just a person (regardless of the fact that she is your parent). Think about how the difficulties in her life may have affected her attitude towards your upbringing. The more you learn about her life, the easier it will be for you to accept and forgive her.

There is also a feedback: if you have a desire to please your mother in everything, to deserve her love with your behavior, then non-receipt of it results in continuous opposition. This is the reason for all the conflicts: after all, a mother does not have to like everything you do, right? The way out is simple: do not strive to become a copy of your mother, believe yourself, your desires and actions, because you are an adult, an accomplished person. In addition, many daughters more than ever they begin to understand their mothers when they themselves find themselves in their place.

Hello. I'm 19 years old. Almost 20. I live in a provincial town, in a simple family. I am studying at the Pedagogical University as a designer. My problem is that I am a failure, I have not achieved anything over the years, I still sit on my parents' neck. But only they themselves are to blame for this too. Especially mom.

Imagine, all the graduates of my class worked, absolutely everything. Rather, they worked part-time. And when I found a place, was about to go to get settled, my mother squealed. Says what kind of work, sit, get ready for the University, paint pictures. And we need you in the garden. Thus, all summer I went to the garden with my mother. In principle, we appeared there twice a week. Of course, I would have had time to work and, naturally, I could go to this garden alone, because I’m not an invalid and not a fool, so as not to remember the road in 20 years and not be able to take a couple of buckets home. But, according to my mother, I am a child. Child, child. They interrogate me where and why, and with whom I go out into the street. They go shopping with me, buy me clothes. I'm very embarrassed. That such an adult cow like me stands at the counter with her head bowed and watches as my mother with a stern face pays for the clothes. They go to hospitals with me. Stepfather, however, accuses me of being a snotty girl. Small, stupid. Infantile. He says to me often, grow up already. To my counter question, how to do this, the answer is always the same, you yourself must, you cannot give a specific answer to this. Live, learn. I do not understand. And how can I live if I have round-the-clock supervision? Lord, my house is a prison to me! My boyfriend also says grow up. He left me, by the way. I got a job, earned money, found a rich girl and left. My best friend called me a child. Then she left. She felt that she was older and taller than me. Smarter too. And that such individuals like me, who are not capable of anything, she does not need. I studied on the course for six months. I also tried to find a job, in secret from my mother (. Fortunately, the university is in another city, but not far away. So every Sunday I went home. If I didn't, my mother came by herself.) But the fear was stronger. I was not accepted for 5 places. Probably due to the fact that I'm an insecure mumble. When, I finally found what I needed. Imagine what an opportunity it is to get a job by profession. But for her sake it was necessary to stay on the winter holidays. When I arrived home for New Year's and told my mother that I would have to leave the nest on the 6th and go to the hostel, she screamed. She took my wallet, pulled out a scholarship card. Now I sit at home. I'm going crazy with loneliness. I am drawing. Which makes me sick. I don’t know how to make money. I'm tired of being dependent on my mom. I want to build a career, gain experience. I want freedom. One plus. The hostel taught me how to cook food. After all, at home, no one lets me near the stove. Afraid that I will transfer products. Help me please.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Olga!

"Mom does not let me live an adult life"- Do you know how adult life differs from the life of a child? An adult makes an independent decision, implements it, and takes responsibility for both the decision and the implementation.
"My problem is that I'm a failure"- Olga, this is not a problem, this is a subjective opinion, and, judging by the letter, not yours, but your mother's. I will tell you a little secret: The person who really sits on his parents' neck DOESN'T KNOW about it. And does not even think They simply do not tell him, and he sits and sits, sits and sits until his parents die. You, who entered the university, and found a job in your specialty, in principle, cannot be called a failure. More precisely, not like that. This is not true. You know how to achieve what you want, you just lack confidence. But confidence is a profitable business if you work on it.
"But only they themselves are to blame for this too."- Olga, searching for someone to blame, just for the sake of simply finding him and blaming him, does not make any sense. The feeling of guilt, the burden of guilt, that yours, that of any other person, will not help you solve the problem.
"But, according to my mother, I am a child."- What do you think?
"They go shopping with me, buy me clothes. "- Tell me, Olga, who fed and dressed your mother and your stepfather while they were growing up and studying?
"He says to me often, grow up already. To my counter question, how to do this, the answer is always the same, you yourself must, you cannot give a specific answer to this. "- What do you think, Olga, do you have the opportunity to learn something if you do not see an example of how IT should be done, and what results does it bring?
"My boyfriend also says, grow up. He dumped me, by the way. He got a job, made money, found a rich girl and left.. "- Do you need a guy who considers himself an adult, and you are a child, and because of this he leaves? This shows his serious, adult attitude towards you, what do you think?
"My best friend called me a child. Then she left. She felt that she was older and taller than me. Smarter, too. And that such persons like me, who are not capable of anything, she does not need. "- Olga, the same question as about the guy.
"I'm tired of being dependent on my mom. I want to build a career, gain experience. I want freedom."- Olga, no one will give you freedom in your hands. Freedom at all times, and in any order, TAKE it into their own hands.
"One plus. The hostel taught me how to cook food. After all, at home, no one lets me near the stove. Afraid that I will transfer products."- This plus shows you that the opinion that you are being told about yourself is false. And this applies not only to food and cooking.
"Help me please."- You did not write what specific help you want, so my answer may not be what you wanted to hear.

I will try to explain the situation to you.

If parents do not have a personal life and do not have their own interest, they often focus all their interest (sometimes they make it the meaning of life!) On the life of their child. While the child is small, he does not pay attention to it. Problems begin in adolescence, which is just the way to prepare for an independent adult life. Judging by your letter, your teenage crisis was simply crushed by your mom. You were not allowed to go through it, and this complicated the next process, nee - separation from your parents.
Now you should have a separation - separation from the parental family, which will allow you to determine your life goals, try to live separately, before creating your own family, feel like a separate person, an adult, responsible for yourself, having your own thoughts, desires, goals, etc. NS. It includes a lot, the description does not fit into the framework of one letter. This is the most important process that will determine the direction of your life for the next couple of decades. Since your parents are hindering you, not helping you, this process will be difficult, and it will only depend on you how much courage you have to defend your interests, desires and goals. Peacefully, you are unlikely to be able to resolve this, it is quite possible that you will simply have to sneak out of the house, with documents and available money, wander around rented apartments, look for a part-time job so that there is enough for life. It will be difficult, but it will teach you to be an adult, independent, separate Person.
You can stay with your parents and live in the same conditions, but then you lose the right to independence, making your own decisions in all important life issues. That is, you remain a child for a long time. This process is very addictive, the longer you live with your parents, the more difficult it is then to separate and start an independent life. And to run away from the parental family "in marriage" means to find a lot of problems in relations with another person.

Hello! I am 23 years old, I live with my mother. 2 months ago I started dating a man who is 31 years old. Mom was initially against our relationship, but my persuasion convinced her that there was nothing wrong with this.
All my 23 years I was with her as a friend, I shared all the secrets. I was a very calm child and never went against my mother's will. I went for a walk up to a maximum of 23.00, but if I came later, then a scandal began at home and I was told that a decent girl should not walk so late. The guys with whom I met she did not like, then that one is not the same, then this one. I listened to her, obeyed her, stepping over my beliefs and pride (I did as she tells me, did not want to offend her). But apparently it could not go on for so long, and now I have a problem with which I do not know how to cope.
So, as I wrote above, I started dating this man after all. This is the only person with whom I feel calm and good. We have a serious relationship and we love each other. Every time I come home, my mother is unhappy with something.
Soon the New Year and my beloved and I want to spend it in the countryside, but MOM gets in the way, who simply does not let me go! She believes that it is wrong to have a rest with a boyfriend before the wedding. I am afraid that he will not understand this and I will leak him. Because of my constant conversations with my mother about the trip, every day we have scandals, I can't sleep anymore, I want to take a break from her for at least a couple of weeks and live the way I want. After all, not only in my personal life, she teaches me how to act, but in everything else too (how to behave correctly at work, on the street). Am I myself, at 23, not capable of sensibly assessing the situation and making decisions?
Tell me how to do the right thing, because it is not possible to live like this. How can I convince my mother to reconsider her attitude towards me? Thank you in advance.

Love, unfortunately, not all mothers understand that the child is not her property. Very often, mothers give birth to children only for themselves. And then a man appeared who threatens to take away her "favorite toy" ... With sympathy and respect ...

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Love, Indeed, maternal love can be reborn into a sense of ownership in relation to her child. And you are also a comfortable child. But in any case, this love is the most powerful of the types of human Love. Nevertheless, you not only CAN assess the situation on your own and live YOUR life, but you also MUST do it. Responsibility for your life is on you. Just tell your too caring mother that you love her, you understand that she wants only good for you, but it is not for her to live your life and do as you see fit. It is hardly necessary to be afraid that you will lose your MCH. This feeling is not very compatible with the essence of the feeling of Love. If he demands something from you, then maybe it is worth considering how much he considers your desires. Love, live your life fully and happily.

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Hello Love! This attitude towards you was formed by my mother for at least 23 years (or maybe even earlier, in her dreams, in the experience of relations with her parents, she could have imagined everything just like that). Therefore, it will not work to quickly convince her to reconsider this attitude. Unfortunately, my mother may remain convinced until the end of her days that she knows best how to live for you. It is, of course, difficult. The good side is that you are a free person and still decide for yourself what to do (even when you chose to obey your mother, it was your choice). But to consistently implement your choice now will require very significant efforts from you. This is the payment for an independent life that you have been giving up for so long. The most important thing is your inner conviction. And, of course, you need support - men, girlfriends, maybe psychological support. Good luck!

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Hello Love! It so happened that you finally fell in love and a close relationship with your mother became an obstacle on your way. It is very difficult when you find yourself in a situation of choice between two dear people. It seemed to me that with your mother you are more than friends, rather you partially merged like Siamese twins, so the pain of one is felt like the pain of the other. Perhaps that is why you just want to convince your mother, because she is a part of you: "How can she not understand!" But in fact, Lyuba, you are different people! Different personalities, which does not prevent you from loving each other and understanding each other's value. It seems to me that your mother is a very smart and sensitive person, because until now she has led you correctly. It seems to me that she will gladly stop leading you as soon as she feels that you have become an adult, that you are capable of managing your own life. As long as you behave like a child. You are waiting for mom's permission, you are capricious that you are not allowed, you are nervous. With all your behavior, you show that your mother is stronger, that she has the right to allow and forbid you to do anything at all. Mom does not need to be persuaded, she knows everything, she has her own experience of life. You just need to show her that you yourself take responsibility for your love, for your life, and you have the strength to do so. You have known your friend for only 2 months, and while your demand to spend the holidays together looks to your mother as a demand for a new doll, which you have not yet had, which you have not tried yet. You really want this new doll, but you know that you will not buy it anyway. You are afraid of losing MCH and you are afraid of losing your mom. In this state of childish fear, you cannot convince anyone. Understand, finally, that you will not lose yourself in any case, and if you do not lose yourself, then the people dear to you will not go anywhere.

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Lyubov, you ask the question: "Am I really not capable of sensibly assessing the situation and making decisions at the age of 23"? The answer will be: "Of course you cannot, because you are asking a question to us, strangers, because you cannot" make decisions. " because only "mom" sounds, or dad is not authoritative, something about him is not mentioned) - in her own way she "protects" you from mistakes, from men. her views on the "correctness" of life. asking you at a face-to-face meeting about YOUR personal (i.e. for YOURSELF) goals and desires ... would not have heard anything concrete) - only then can you tell her that you are ready to go forward, fill YOUR bumps, learn from YOUR mistakes. while she sees your insecurity - naturally, she considers it her motherly duty to teach you. relationship - "I was with her as a friend." She will always be HIGHER in the hierarchy. And yet - you want to get rid of the "dependence" on your mother, and then there is a disturbing note "I am afraid that he will not understand this and I will lose him" - how not to become dependent on a man. And then - see my mother's story, ancestral stories "like" to be repeated.

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Hello Love! You find yourself in a difficult situation: you are torn between your beloved man and mother. The most interesting thing is that you are not in all this. You don't write what you want for yourself. Holidays for the New Years? But there was a phrase about the fear of losing a man. And immediately the thought creeps in that this rest is needed not by you, but by your fear. You ask how you can convince your mom to reconsider her attitude. Changing another person is a very laborious process, and a path that leads to nowhere. The problem with your mother that you describe is rather the problem of your boundaries, which, unfortunately, you are not very good at building. And boundaries are associated with the ability to choose and be responsible for one's choice. Until you yourself are responsible for it, the people around you tend to make a choice for you, guided by their ideas about what you need. A strange situation, isn't it? Learning to choose and defend your choices and boundaries is possible, but it is a long and laborious process. But, having learned, you acquire the freedom to which, as it seems to me, you strive. I am ready to accompany you on this difficult path. Best regards, Anastasia Umanskaya.

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You cannot convince your mother in any way, tk. for her, you have not yet grown to an independent life and need further education and care. The simplest thing is to explain to your mother that you do not need education and if you need her advice, then contact her. She, of course, will strongly and for a long time be indignant, and you will have to be patient. (In fact, you have to be ready for such a step, it's not easy to tear yourself away from your parents if you are used to consulting with them). You should not discuss a trip for the new year with your mother and waste your nerves together. If you want - go. There is nothing wrong with that. The choice is better to make, in this case, based on your desires, and not out of fear of parting.

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Lyuba, you write: "Am I really incapable of sensibly assessing the situation and making decisions at the age of 23?" This is the most important question for you today. Only you misunderstand him. You ask this question to us because you think that someone from the outside should tell you whether you have the right to live independently or not. And the question is something else: are you capable or not capable! And in fact, while you are not able to be independent ... You are already 23 years old, and you have not yet started an independent life. Live your mind, make your mistakes. From the outside it seems that your mother prevents you from becoming an independent mother. In fact, I do not feel in you an inner need to become independent. I can see that you are tired, let's say, you got bored. But it’s as if something is blocked in your head - you don’t have the thought to live your life. You are still a baby living under your mother's wing. You justify yourself by the fact that you live this way so as not to spoil your friendship with your mother. In fact, it is beneficial for you to live like this. You are very afraid of becoming an adult ... Fool! You deprive yourself so much. You are depriving yourself of your own life!

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Hello Love. Mom can be convinced. that you are an adult and have the right to your own life in only one way: stop looking back at it and LIVE. Do you want to leave for the New Year with your beloved? So go! What do you mean "mom won't let you in" ?! How old are you? Get ready and go. Ignoring her tantrums. No guilt. Judging by your description, my mother's personal life did not work out and she simply "replicates" this scenario. Stop hiding behind your mom and live on your own. It's difficult. Mom will try to press, but if you hold on, then everything will work out and mom will accept you as an adult (and even breathe a sigh of relief: she finally raised her daughter!). If you think that you need to work out a strategy, tactics in more detail, maybe even build specific phrases - write. Let's do it. The first step is difficult - and then it is much easier.

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Lyuba, you have every right to make your own mistakes. Which of you is right in this particular case is not clear. If your relationship with this man already includes physical intimacy, then your joint meeting of the New Year will not change anything. If only there this should happen, then it is worth weighing everything very carefully, regardless of the position of the mother. Well, mom needs to make it clear that you are already an adult. It's difficult. but everyone goes through it, in the end your mom will accept your adulthood. Just, for God's sake, don't make decisions like teenagers: it doesn't matter how, as long as in your own way. Let your decision be weighed and responsible, but it is your decision.

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If your mom constantly interferes in your life, and any attempts to set boundaries end in her resentment, then this article is for you. In it, we will talk about what makes your mom always control you and give advice on how to fix a bad relationship without validol, pressure surges and heart attacks.

What makes your mom constantly in control of your life

There are two main reasons:

1) Mom still considers you a little girl who needs to continue to be taken care of.

She does not realize that her role in the game is over, and is afraid to admit her uselessness. At the same time, he sincerely believes that such care brings you great benefit, and is offended when you refuse to accept this care.

2) Circumstances forced my mother to break through in life, this formed a rather tough, authoritarian character.

She always knows what is best and demands unquestioning obedience. Most likely, the situation has changed a long time ago, but the character has remained the same.

And if she has no other interests in life, except for you and your family, then the situation only gets worse.

Mom's reaction when daughter tries to relax the interference

When you decide it's time to act, remember - the relationship between mom and daughter cannot change dramatically.

The mother will resist and various means will be used.

Read the example from the Internet, does this story really not touch you? Which side will you take?

In this example, the mother's reaction to the fact that her daughter has limited interference in her life is clearly visible: high pressure when the daughter came to wish her a Happy New Year, and resentment that she was not left with her.

In addition to health problems, when trying to limit control, both shouts and reproaches: "I gave you my whole life ..." and complete ignorance with demonstrative entry into the "black list" on the phone can be used.

All this can be called a rather harsh word "manipulation". Mom uses them to make you feel guilty, and then stop trying to "win a place in the sun."

Moving on to practical action: reduce control, but avoid bad relationships with the mother.

Stage 1. Understand yourself

Take a look at yourself first. Perhaps you really behave like a small child, and the mother's behavior only reflects this.

Understand that to get out of control you need to be truly adult and independent.

In a relaxed environment, analyze how the conversations with your mom are going. Do you ask your mom how her day went? Or are you just talking about yourself?

Stage 2. Get to know mom

Look at your mother as a stranger.

It will be useful for you to find out those difficult situations that were in your mother's life. The source of information can be dad, grandmother, other relatives, you can talk to mom, just carefully.

For example, as a child, you were seriously ill, and your mother made a lot of efforts to heal you. And further along the knurled one - put on a hat, do not wet your feet - you can continue the list yourself. Caring, caring, caring ... And now my mother cannot stop.

What will it give? You will not be prejudiced against her behavior.

Stage 3. Negotiations

You have found the reasons and you know what to tell your mom. Then, first try to tell her how you saw her life from the outside. And then move on to why do you think she continues to patronize you and constantly monitors you.
At this stage, there are two possible ways of development of events:

• You will understand each other and will look for joint solutions to the problem.
• Negotiations will come to a standstill, mom will not hear you and will move on to "manipulation". In this case, you go to stage 4.

Stage 4. Have patience

Remember how you taught your child a skill, for example, eating with a spoon: patiently, repeating the same movements many times - how long did it take you?
How many years did your mother live with thoughts of you and your life?

It will not work out sharply to wean her from this. Therefore, we reserve ourselves with patience. And even more than in the case of a child, because retraining is always more difficult than teaching.

Stage 5. Gradually moving to new rails

1. Don't cut the time you spend with your mom, but increase the number of common topics of conversation (news, weather, neighbors, her health) and reduce the discussion of your life. At the same time, in general matters, do not enter into polemics, support the opinion of your mother.
2. If you constantly call or write to your mom about where you are, then it's time to start reducing the number of "reports". Also, start small: first, reduce the number of calls (sms) by one, then by two, etc. But be sure to warn about this in advance, referring to external circumstances. For example: "Mom, today I cannot call you from work at lunchtime, because my colleagues and I are having lunch in a cafe."
3. Learn to say "no" not categorically, but softly, with a joke. This “no” is less painful.
4. If mom has no interests, then remember what she was fond of, and pick up a hobby for her. If the lesson is for two - even better, then you will always have something to talk about.
   "Like like like." Ask mom how her day went, what she did, ask her to report more often, where she was.
5. Let the bowl of control begin to outweigh in your direction, and then, perhaps, mom will think about how to get rid of interference in her life.

In order to weaken the control of the mother, you must first of all be a self-sufficient, adult woman. A good adult relationship between mom and daughter is the result of patience, sensitivity and understanding.

Let's discuss this topic: tell us about your relationship with your mom in the comments. What, in your opinion, is the most difficult thing in "defending your territory"? What questions did you have after reading the article? If you tried to loosen control, how did you do it and what results did you achieve?