What is more important than love or friendship. What is more important, friendship or love? Common Grounds for Friendship and Romantic Feelings

B ed you say. And without thinking, I agree with you. How can you put your loved one below your friend? After all, as many say, this is our half, our destiny, the person with whom you plan to live the best years of your life and meet old age in happiness. No, the ancient Greeks obviously confused something ...

What if not?

In ancient Greece, love was seen as a sex drive. Attraction that can cloud the mind, knock the soil out from under your feet, or, as the Greeks said, upset the healthy balance of body and mind.

Friendship is not sympathy, and even more so - not clouding the mind. Friendship is more than that. It is a communication skill that cannot be acquired without a soul mate.

You say, what about love without a kindred spirit? This is unthinkable! - and you will be right. Only in addition to this, friendship presupposes at least the presence of trust, honesty and devotion, which, unfortunately, cannot always be said about love ...

After all, sooner or later, physical attraction will still disappear, and with it, sometimes love also leaves ... Let's face it: it is quite easy to replace a person who was loved by us quite recently, but it is almost impossible to replace a friend. Probably, each of us had to go through parting at least once in our life.

At the first moment, a person is ready to "climb the wall" out of grief, but after a while (for someone a year, but for someone a couple of weeks is enough) we find a replacement, get married (get married) and meet a happy old age with another person , the same dear, beloved and the only one, but different!

What about a friend? Unfortunately, in life we have to lose not only loved ones, but also friends. And hardly anyone can replace a real friend. The place that he occupied in his soul will be empty for a long time: a week, a year, five, ten or more years. It will always be empty!

So maybe the ancient Greeks were right? - it's not for nothing that they say about a man in love that he "wears rose-colored glasses." The feeling of falling in love is short-term, quick and fleeting, which cannot be said about true friendship. Friendship that comes from a pure heart. Friendship cannot develop in a couple of seconds, minutes, or even hours. No, this is too little!

It takes a long period of time for two people to realize that they are truly close, that they are able to understand each other perfectly, that they are really ready to sacrifice themselves for each other. And here sometimes even ten years are not enough to realize this. Friendship that has passed the test of grief and happiness, sadness and joy, falls and ups, despair and hope will live for many years. At a time when sexual desire (which many, alas, confuse with love) can arise instantly and just as instantly disappear.

This position was adhered to by the ancient Greeks. I also adhere to this position. Perhaps there will be those who will try to refute my words, and I will say with full confidence that they are truly happy, because only one who knows how to combine friendship and love for one, the closest person in the world can give strong enough arguments ...

Friendship between a man and a woman is an eternal dilemma that everyone argues about. How many people, so many opinions. These feelings go hand in hand through life. Can an ordinary, friendly relationship arise without falling in love and romantic feelings? Love and friendship have a lot in common - to understand where the border is, and it can be difficult to distinguish it. To begin with, it is important to understand these concepts and determine their meanings. What are romantic feelings and what are friendships.

Love - you can talk about it endlessly, this is one of the strongest and most beautiful feelings that people experience. It has many meanings and forms. The main types of love:

Eros - romantic feelings, sympathy for a man or woman;
Storge - means feelings for relatives, family;
Filia - feelings that are manifested to close friends;
Agape is love for God.

Every facet of love contains a feeling of deep affection for another person. She encourages to live for others and to give. Throughout human history, many heroic, beautiful, fantastic deeds have been performed in the name of love. It doesn't always have a happy ending. But it always makes the one who expresses it happy. The ability to love others enriches and gets rid of selfishness.

Friendship is a relationship between people, the basis of which is love, honesty, sincerity. Close friends have mutual sympathy, common goals and interests, complete trust among themselves. Friends help each other become better.

The concepts of love and friendship seem to be closely related. These feelings simply cannot exist in isolation. There are no friends who don't love. And sympathy will arise if good friendship is the foundation. More than one example has shown that the secret of a happy marriage is a close, trusting relationship before marriage. Husband and wife simply have to be best friends.

Common Grounds for Friendship and Romantic Feelings

Both falling in love and good friendship are characterized by attraction. People who communicate closely, like couples in love, can miss each other. They have a desire to often spend time together, call up.

Friendship and love both involve close relationships. The desire to share intimate, your feelings, dreams, goals. A loved one or friend becomes special, closer than everyone else. The connection based on understanding and trust is possible in both cases.

Friendship or love is simply not possible without mutual respect. You cannot say that you love a person and at the same time treat him carelessly or somehow humiliate his dignity. Both feelings encourage mutual support. Thanks to this, any relationship becomes stronger, develops and is appreciated more. And, of course, the time spent together is enjoyable. It's nice to laugh together, wait for the next meeting.

What is the difference

This is not love, but friendship, how to be sure? While friendships and romantic relationships have many things in common, there are also significant differences. It is possible to distinguish these concepts in many respects. Of course, good friends have a lot in common; they may have the same outlook on life, common aspirations. But just good friends do not strive for the common realization of their goals. Only potential families plan a joint future.

It is also possible to determine the true attitude towards a person by the amount of attention given. Even the strongest friendships don't have as much time as romantic relationships. Lovers give all their free time to each other every minute. And if it is not, then it is not love, but friendship, or even something less.

When two people love, they have no concepts of "I", "me", "mine", they say "we", "us", "our". Comrades have a need for each other, but still, each of them has his own life. Friends go through life in parallel, side by side, and when they tie the bonds of love, the two become one. Of course, the relationship of couples in love is in many ways closer and warmer than friendly feelings. In these aspects, it will not be difficult to distinguish and understand the difference between friendship and serious love relationships.

From friendship to love

Can a good friendship grow into something more? The answer is obvious: yes, it is possible. As mentioned above, strong families come from good friends. No one is immune from love. And now, distinguishing this fine line is more difficult. Friendship develops into closer relationships gradually and imperceptibly. Therefore, it is not immediately possible to determine. Relationships become warmer and stronger, a person becomes simply irreplaceable in life. This is how they have been friends since childhood, they sit at the same desk, share their innermost secrets. But they say that they are just friends, there is no question of love. But suddenly something happens and the two fall in love. It's great if these feelings are mutual, you get a wonderful family.

Of course, such a feeling does not always arise. The question cannot be answered in the affirmative. Some will say no, others yes. It all depends on each situation separately.

There are many examples of friendship between opposite sexes. But there are no less examples when she developed into a warmer and more tender relationship. Sympathy, close relationships may arise, but they will not be romantic, but rather like family relations. Two people can be united by common memories, the past, they are comfortable together. But there is a different kind of love between them. The relationship between a man and a woman can be like a brother and sister relationship. But again, no one is safe, even a very long ordinary communication can turn into romance. It is not always easy to understand and sort out your feelings. The time spent together will help determine this. Love and friendship are the kindest and brightest facets of human relations. It's great when they complement each other harmoniously. Whether it's friendship or love.

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As you know, for most people, love comes first. According to VTsIOM, 80-90% of Russians consider love, marriage and children to be the basis of happiness. Financial stability, prosperity, the possibility of self-realization, fame and respect follow by a small margin. But, mind you, friendship almost never appears among the answers, and if it is mentioned, it is somewhere in the very tail. In the rest of the world, the picture is about the same.

Against this background, the results of a survey conducted by sociologists at the University of Manchester gave unexpected results. It turns out that the vast majority (almost 70%) of those surveyed perceive a breakup with a friend much more dramatic than the collapse of a love story. And the same 70% of respondents answered that with great pleasure they would resume communication with their former friends, while they would prefer not to see their former lovers and spouses.

It turns out when we talk about needs - love relationships are at the forefront, but when it comes to losses - friendship rises sharply in value. To resolve this paradox, you need to understand the difference between love and friendship.

How to distinguish love from friendship?

Most believe that friendship is a strong attachment, but without sexual attraction. For example, nine out of ten of my good friends answered exactly like this: "Yes, I love you, but I don't sleep with you - you are my friend." Sounds logical. However, attraction is far from a 100 percent indicator, because there is friendly sex and, conversely, love without sex. (I mean those).

I will say more, psychologists consider friendship (which is more often same-sex) as an unconscious sexual attraction, strongly stifled by public opinion. For example, two men (due to their upbringing and moral norms) never admit, even to themselves, that they are crazy about each other. This is how a strong male friendship arises.

So, we reject sex - it can be in friendship too. What else distinguishes friendship from love? Here are the typical answers to this question: love is characterized by jealousy, common household and plans for the future, monogamy. In friendship, accordingly, the opposite is true: there can be many friends at the same time, it is not necessary to communicate with them every day, and, as you know, "tobacco apart".

However, jealousy, resentment and betrayal, common household (remember hostels and squats) and plans, deep devotion also occur between friends. In turn, there are strong love couples in which the partners do not live together and see each other once every six months. I generally keep quiet about polygamy, what kind of monogamy are we talking about when a husband has 15 beloved wives?

In other words, none of the above criteria works: there are thousands of human stories around us that refute stereotypes about relationships rather than confirm them.

Friendship doesn't exist ?!

Psychologists also do not have a universal idea of what is friendly communication, and what is already a novel. But there are many interesting hypotheses. I overheard an unusual theory during a wonderful training session on interpersonal relationships. It is conducted every six months by Moscow psychologists Sergei Shishkov and Yulia Zotova. When, when analyzing all kinds of human communications (business, partnership, love, family, party) the turn came to friendship, the silence of the silenced hall was broken by Sergey's remark: “Remember, there is no friendship at all”.

And then an explanation followed: any interpersonal relationship that people, for various reasons, cannot realize, is usually called friendship. In fact, any friendship is just a cover for some other relationship. Here's a simple example: there is such a thing as a family friend. He has an equally strong affection for all the members of this mini-group: he loves to visit their house, tinker with the children, cover the roof of their summer cottage, and spend holidays together. From the point of view of psychologists, the situation is obvious: a person unconsciously builds the most family relationships. But no one is openly ready to admit this, so it is beneficial for all participants in the story to call this model of behavior friendship.

In the same way, according to psychologists, any other relationship can be mimicked: business (when people are friends with mutual benefit for a common cause), love (I have already mentioned this), child-parent (when one friend clearly takes care of another), etc. . NS.

Maybe this is what explains the paradoxical conclusion that the British scientists have come to? People do not have a clear understanding of what is what, and all the confusion happens because we unconsciously love those we call friends and try to be friends with those we love. Indeed, at the heart of both relationships is one thing: a strong attachment to another person ... What do you think?

Many of us consider these concepts to be the same, when in fact they are not at all. What are the differences?

Friendship is a cooperation in which both people receive some kind of mutual benefit from each other, but at the same time no one owes anything to anyone, because such a relationship is based on selflessness. The saying “Trust but verify” is irrelevant here. We do not need to prove something to someone or demand loyalty and devotion from others. We just help each other when needed.

Let's think about how love is different from friendship?

Imagine love is a beautiful home designed by an experienced architect, that is, someone who loves. Any home always stands on a solid foundation, in our case this foundation is sexuality. A bad flimsy foundation can destroy an entire house, no matter how beautiful it is. Therefore, a good architect takes care of everything.

If we experience only passion and nothing more in relation to a person, it is like a foundation without a home. You can't live on it.

A house without a foundation is a mirage, detachment from reality, dreams that it will be durable, but sooner or later it will collapse. Therefore, friendship cannot be love. However, it is possible that the friendship will develop into.

How does love manifest? Each of us is ready for anything for the sake of a loved one. We are pursued by the desire to make him happy. We generally think more about him than about ourselves. In friendship, after all, one's own interests are valued higher than those of a partner.

Besides love and friendship, there is also psychological closeness.

About psychological closeness

According to E. Berne's definition, psychological closeness is when there are no “manipulative games” in communication between people, which arise during the maturation of latent conflict situations. This means that partners cannot communicate in an adult (intellectually, consciously) or childish (emotionally) way.

All people change, so you can't think that you can finally build psychological closeness. We, one way or another, will build it constantly. Therefore, we should always be interested in our partner.

If we compare psychological closeness, love and friendship, then friendship is more logical. Love is more emotional. Psychological closeness is at the same time logical, emotional and censorship; she is often outside of love and friendship.

Is there always psychological closeness

We must understand that psychological closeness can develop between people. But the more their number, the less important it is. This means that its role in society is falling, and quite dramatically.

It is now pretty obvious why, even among hundreds of people, we can feel lonely. But the way out of this situation is also visible: we need to choose among the society the person with whom we are ready to build psychological closeness. Then the problem of loneliness loses its acuteness and becomes completely solvable.

What's more important

Having found out what each of the concepts we have considered means, it is logical to ask the question: which is more important, love or friendship, or, perhaps, psychological closeness? The answer is quite difficult. Some people think that friendship is more important anyway, because ...

Any of the above has a right to exist. This is not to say that some feeling is better or worse, and therefore it is impossible to judge the importance. It's just that we experience one thing for some people, and another for others. To someone, perhaps all at once, but to someone nothing at all. You need to put up with it and take it for granted.

Some people argue that a trusted friend nearby can replace a loved one. Love will come and go, but the friend will remain. Is it so, which is more important - love or friendship, is it possible to compare these feelings? These questions were asked by philosophers and poets, writers and ordinary people. We are no exception.

What is the difference between friendship and love?

Everyone is trying to compare these two feelings inherent in any person. But this sounds paradoxical. Here's how they are most often described:

Love- the connection between people, a man and a woman in this case, which is characterized by strong affection, the desire to make the partner happy, to help him. It is based on trust, understanding, imply disinterestedness;
friendship- communication between people, based on trust, honesty, disinterestedness. It implies the presence of a reliable person nearby.

Agree that when compared, it is clear that these concepts are intertwined with one another, they are inextricably linked. For example, how can you consider a person loved and at the same time not help him if necessary, or vice versa, how can a real friend not wish you happiness disinterestedly, without demanding anything in return.

There are only some boundaries love implies intimacy, friendship does not... And you can be friends with several people at once.

These definitions are so tightly linked that it is sometimes difficult for people to distinguish between them. They are confused, they cannot figure out what they feel for a particular person, they cannot understand what kind of closeness it is.

Psychological closeness

Professionals have the following explanation for the average state when a person does not understand himself. They describe it as psychological closeness, from the position of which friendship is a logically explainable phenomenon, love is more emotional.

Psychological closeness is equally emotional and logical, it is between them. This is the most profitable option for the relationship between different sexes, it does not imply hidden conflict situations, responsibilities, but only gives people the opportunity to have a good time together.

But this does not exclude the appearance in the life of one of the participants of serious feelings with a third person, since their presence is inherent in us by nature. And then you have to decide where it is more important to go today, with whom to meet. And this is often difficult to do. Internal and external conflicts begin.

What not to do

Caught between two fires: when a friend pulls on himself, and a loved one on himself, people in a panic begin to make mistakes:

To make a choice;
Lie;
Confused about feelings.

Don't make a choice, you will most likely lose. By paying more attention to one, offend the other and vice versa.

Combine if possible. Nothing prevents you from introducing a girl to friends and vice versa. If you cannot do this, then you are in trouble. In this case, people begin to lie, to make excuses from a friend that today is urgent work in order to free up time for a date. But friendship and love do not imply lies.

The best way out is find the root cause... Find it and fix it. Otherwise, you will lose something very valuable over trifles. And take a note that a truly close person will not put you before a choice, but will help organize the situation.

For example, a partner will suggest rescheduling a meeting until another day, and a good friend will help you prepare for the date. And then you don't have to decide which is more important.

Truth or myth about relationships

The question arises, and can a guy and a girl make friends at all? Biological and psychological research shows that they cannot.

There are several reasons for this:

They are too different: they think, do, decide in different ways due to their natural characteristics;
The principle of the hunter and the prey has not been canceled. The guy will always pursue, the instincts work, and people do not stop looking at each other, evaluating.

Friendship, on the other hand, implies the same approach and platonic interest. There are exceptions, for example:

Childhood friends;
Former lovers who managed to keep in touch.

In these cases, we can say that they are friends. But again, where is the line separating stronger feelings. It often happens that people hide the true state of affairs, dream of more.

How to translate friendship into love?

Sometimes people realize that even psychological closeness is not enough for them. They feel they want to have more rights over this person. But the fact that love is one of the manifestations of selfishness, it is clear for a long time.

How to make it clear to your partner about this?

Talk frankly about what is happening;
Start flirting;
Make persistent hints;
Explicit movements;
Meet not on the landing, but in a romantic setting;
Communicate more;
Give gifts of the appropriate status;

The situation is not new. There are many cases when people realize that they have already stepped over even the stage of psychological intimacy. And by the way, despite all the warnings that you will lose a good friend, and the relationship will deteriorate, in such cases, strong families are often obtained. You already know everything about your partner, he is about you. Much was discussed while sitting over a cup of tea in the kitchen. We saw each other in different situations: sick and healthy, cheerful and sad, dressed and not so much.

And if all this has not scared off, then this is your person, especially since you will not have to wait for surprises from him. You know his habits, habits and characteristics, he is yours. And the border between these feelings, as we understood, is almost imperceptible. All you have to do is to establish intimate moments.

So, in the end, which is more important - love or friendship? There is no way to choose, since the differences are barely noticeable. And if you cannot understand yourself, do not rush, take a closer look and listen. The time will come and everything will fall into place.