Capricious child how can I cope with him. Doctor Komarovsky on what to do with a moody child

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The society perceives children's whims quite tolerantly - he is small, grows up - he will understand! There is a grain of wisdom in this, since the nervous system of babies really undergoes significant changes in the first years of life, the whims of the baby can “signal” to those around him his fatigue, tension, discontent, disagreement with something, his poor physical condition if he is sick.

However, an overly capricious child can undermine the nervous system not only to parents and others, but also to himself.

The well-known pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky tells what to do if the child is capricious, and whether it is possible to correct his behavior.

Where do whims come from?

If a child often freaks out and is capricious, there may be several reasons for this:

• He is not feeling well, he is feeling unwell.
• He is overworked, under stress (especially if the moods are repeated in the evening).
• He is poorly brought up, he throws tantrums because he is used to getting what he wants in this way.

Dr. Komarovsky believes that any excessive manifestation of moodiness is directed primarily at the parents. If the kid has viewers on whom his hysteria acts, he will use this "weapon" every time he needs something or something stops suit him .

Reasonable actions of parents in this case should be to ignore - a kid who was denied the opportunity to crawl into a hot oven or dip a cat into the toilet bowl can scream and be indignant as much as he wants, mom and dad should be adamant.

It is advisable that all family members, including grandparents, adhere to this tactic. Komarovsky emphasizes that children become tyrants and manipulators almost immediately after they understand that with the help of hysteria they can achieve what is forbidden to them.

Age whims and tantrums

In his development, the child goes through several stages of psychological maturation. The transition from one stage to the next is accompanied by the so-called age crisis. This is a difficult time both for the baby himself and for his parents, since not all, but most children, age crises are accompanied by increased moodiness and even hysteria.

2-3 years

At this age, the baby begins to realize himself as a separate person. A period of denial begins, the baby seeks to do the opposite, is stubborn and capricious at times for any reason. He kind of tries those around him for strength, tests the boundaries of what is permitted. That is why a capricious child at 2 or 3 years old is not at all uncommon. Many children's whims at this age could have been avoided if children in their 2-3 years old knew how to express emotions well in words. But the limited vocabulary of such a child, as well as the inability and misunderstanding of the principles of describing their feelings in words, lead to just such an inadequate reaction.

6-7 years old

At this age, children usually go to school. A change in the team, a new daily routine that differs from the kindergarten, and, most importantly, new requirements from the parents, often depress the child so much that he begins to be capricious and hysterical in protest. The most pronounced tantrums are among those children who began to practice whims as early as 2-3 years old, and the parents were not able to normalize the child's behavior in a timely manner.

Whims in infants

In infants, whims usually have good reasons. The baby does not breastfeed, is nervous and cries in the first months of his independent life, not from harm, but from unmet needs or physical discomfort.

To begin with, Komarovsky advises to make sure that the child has the right conditions for healthy growth - it is not hot or stuffy in his room.

Often the baby can be capricious from lack of sleep or vice versa - from excessive sleep, from overeating, if the parents force the baby to force not when he asks to eat, but when, in their opinion, it is time to have lunch. Overeating increases the frequency and intensity of intestinal colic, which cause a lot of unpleasant physical sensations. As a result, the baby is naughty.

Quite often, whims accompany the period of teething., but such attacks of crying and whining are temporary in nature, as soon as the child's condition returns to normal, everything will change, including behavior.

When to see a doctor

Most often, parents take their capricious, disobedient and hysterical child to see a pediatrician with this problem at the age of 4. Until this age, they justify children's "concerts" by age-related crises of an early age, individual behavior patterns, the temperament of the child and other reasons. However, according to Komarovsky, at the age of 4-5 it is already quite difficult to solve a neglected pedagogical problem, which undoubtedly has a place to be.

Certain features of the child's behavior during the active phase of hysteria should alert parents.

If the baby makes a "hysterical bridge", in which he arches his back in an arc and extremely strains all the muscles, if he has breath holdings with loss of consciousness, for her own reassurance, it is better for the mother to show the child to a child neurologist and visit a child psychologist.

In general, the physical manifestations of hysteria in a child can be different, up to seizures, clouding of consciousness, short-term impairment of speech functions. In some cases, such reactions may indicate not only the child's susceptibility, his temperament, but also of certain diseases of a neurological and psychiatric nature. If in doubt, go to a specialist doctor. If, apart from holding the breath, nothing else happens with Ore, Komarovsky advises simply to deal with this - you should blow in the face of the hysterical person, he will reflexively stop yelling and take a deep breath, breathing will normalize.

Do not make excessive demands on the child. His inner feeling that he will not cope with your expectations, resistance to requirements, which he cannot yet fulfill due to his age, cause a response, manifested precisely by hysteria and childish whims.

Follow the daily routine, make sure that the child gets enough rest, does not overwork, does not spend too much time at the computer or in front of the TV. If a child has a tendency to increased moodiness, the best leisure for him is active games in the fresh air.

Teach your child to articulate their emotions and feelings. To do this, from an early age, you should show the child how to do this and regularly practice simple exercises. “I am offended because I cannot draw an elephant”, “When a thunderstorm is coming, I’m very scared”, “When I’m afraid, I want to hide” and so on. By the age of three or four, this will help form the child's habit of speaking in words about what he needs, what does not suit him, and not throw tantrums with screams and screams.

If they steadfastly can withstand the first stage, when it is necessary to ignore the hysteria, without showing that it at least somehow touches the adults, then soon there will be silence and harmony in the house, the child will rather quickly at the reflex level remember that hysteria is not an option and a way, which means that there is not the slightest sense in it.

Work out the system of prohibitions and make sure that what is not allowed is always impossible. Any exceptions to the rules are another reason for subsequent hysteria.

If the child is prone to violent tantrums, with banging his head on the floor and walls, it is necessary to protect him from possible injuries. If we are talking about a child 1-2 years old, Komarovsky advises to limit the hysteria outside the arena. If an attack has begun, you should put the child in the playpen and leave the room for a while. The absence of spectators will make the hysterics short-lived, and the child will not physically be able to harm himself in the arena.

All moms and dads have to deal with children's whims. They can appear in babies, starting from the age of two or three, and often appear completely unexpectedly, against the background of a seemingly quite safe behavior of the child.

The sharp manifestation of children's whims worries many parents. According to psychologists, it is possible to assess how dangerous they are by analyzing the behavior of the baby. If children's whims become more frequent and become regular, this may be a sign of a disease of the nervous system, which means that the baby needs to be taken to a neurologist. If the baby is capricious only with some people, it is worth looking for the root of the problem in family relationships, as well as in how the parents react to the child's antics.

1. Parents need to make it clear to the child what he is allowed and what is forbidden to do, and always adhere to the once established rules. Many parents in a difficult situation can not do anything, so they give in, if only the crying child calms down. However, this cannot be done, since negative reactions can gain a foothold and intensify over time.

2. If the baby's demand is unreasonable or harmful to him, do not give in to concessions, no matter how the child screams and cries.

3. A child who has thrown a tantrum should not be left alone, but you should not try to comfort the baby, caress or lift him off the floor, despite the resistance. Just go about your business, keeping the baby in sight - the baby must learn that you are in control of the situation, but remain adamant in your decision.

4. Parents should use positive incentives for good behavior as often as possible so that the child has the motivation and desire to do the right thing.

5. Remember that parental attention is the most effective way to connect with your child, so do not skimp on rewards in the form of a fairy tale, a walk in the fresh air, or other joint activity.

6. Children become more irritable when they feel tired, hungry, or rushed. Therefore, you should not go to the supermarket to shop when your child is hungry, and if you have to pack quickly and are already late, do not offer your child clothes that he cannot stand.

7. If you and your baby have disagreements, often give the opportunity to choose for yourself. For example, the baby refuses to put on a warm jacket, there is no need to raise his voice or threaten to punish the baby. Try to agree: "You will put on a winter thing, then you yourself will choose which sweater you will wear."

8. Young children are better able to respond to parental requests for action than to coaxing them to behave. Therefore, a screaming or crying child can be asked to come up to you or find something for you, let the baby carry something in his hands - this is more effective than demanding to stop crying.

9. The child should understand that there are limits to his behavior, explain to him that there are situations in which whims are inappropriate, and also tell about the consequences of such behavior: “You are behaving badly, and we will not allow it. If you continue in the same spirit, you will be forced to go to your room, be left without sweets, cartoons, etc. "

10. The most difficult situations for parents are children's whims and tantrums in public places, for example, in a clinic, supermarket or in a children's goods store. Mom and Dad need to have patience and endurance in order to wait out the explosion of emotions, and then firmly and clearly explain to the child why you will not fulfill his demand. After some silence, you need to make sure that the baby has calmed down and discuss what happened. Let the child understand that he cannot achieve anything with such actions, teach the baby to express his desires in an acceptable way.

Small children aged 2-3 years strive to demonstrate their independence in every possible way, sometimes it is difficult for them to cope with their emotions. If you know how to cope with children's whims, you will soon notice that the baby is arranging concerts less and less. Give your child as much attention as possible, love him - and then peace and tranquility will reign in your relationship.

A stubborn and moody child makes parents anxious. He is either violently outraged or silently protests at the request to wash his hands or put his scattered toys in place. In some babies, these reactions are observed regularly, and parents get used to treating such behavior as a completely normal phenomenon. It is wrong to think that it is normal for a preschooler to be capricious and stubborn, but nevertheless, whims are more often manifested in preschoolers. Why is this happening?

It's all about the psychophysical age characteristics of children. The younger the child, the more pronounced the processes of excitement in him, which means that he can behave in an impulsive and impulsive manner. However, often the reasons for stubborn and capricious behavior lie not so much in psychophysical predisposition, but in improper upbringing. They manifest themselves in different ways, most often, this is an excited emotional state and a change of desires - in the opinion of adults, unreasonable. Nevertheless, children's whims have their own logic.

The whims of newborns

Babies who are in the cradle do not yet have such whims as such. The baby signals to the parents by crying that he is hungry, that he wet his diapers or wants to sleep, but these are not whims. However, if adults do not learn to understand their child and anticipate his cry, then the baby will develop a habit of achieving what he wants with tears. If negative emotions are manifested too often, they become habitual, and can become a prerequisite for the emergence of real whims.

The whims of babies in the second and third year of life

The prerequisites for the whims of such babies are unmet natural needs of the body (say, drowsiness, fatigue or hunger), as well as physical discomfort (the baby is cold or hot, it is uncomfortable for him to sleep, he has tight shoes, etc.) Sometimes whims can signal a disease. Feeling physically unwell, a child does not know how to communicate it to an adult. To suppress unpleasant sensations, he requires attention from adults, but, of course, he does not receive relief, therefore he begins to be capricious and cry. Also, children can be capricious after an illness, when they are already recovering. Since the baby is still weakened, he cannot participate in everything he wants or move enough. Forced decrease in activity leads to seemingly unreasonable crying. Sometimes, having got used to increased attention during the illness, the child does not want to give it up.

The main reason for whims is improper upbringing.

When adults immediately satisfy all the desires of a child, as soon as he begins to cry, he forms a dangerous habit of achieving everything by crying and screaming. This habit is consolidated rapidly and turns into a character trait. The youngest children show whims in the form of unwanted persistence. For example, a one year old toddler wants to receive an object that attracts his attention. He does not respond to any "no". If the object is hidden, the child seeks to get it and repeats with enviable stubbornness "Give!" As a rule, everything ends in tears. The younger the child, the more unconscious the negative manifestations. Often they replace the impossibility of explaining their desire to adults in a different way. The child grows, his consciousness develops, whims acquire a deliberate and conscious character, develop into purposeful behavior. If your child screams, falls to the floor, stomps, throws toys, or swings at you, it is advisable to show him to the doctor to distinguish moods from nervous manifestations.

1. Learn to tolerate the baby's screaming and crying calmly - at least outwardly. Leave him alone with himself until he calms down. Remember that emotional outburst is for the audience. When the child is convinced that his cry does not offend those around him, he will gradually wean from imitation of tantrums.
2. Distinguish between needs and whims. If the child can calmly explain to you why he wants something, then this is a need. Remember that children and adults have different needs. Do not neglect the needs of the baby, try to put yourself in the baby's shoes.
3. It's no secret what kids need. But, when the child has an abundance of care and attention, he begins to unconsciously abuse them. Already at the end of the first year of life, a child can purposefully scream and cry in order to draw parental attention to himself.
   
4. Do not raise your voice to the child, even if you no longer have the strength to endure his ugly behavior. Speak in a calm tone. Remember that the child is copying you, you are a role model for him.
5. Explain why no. Do not think of a child as a foolish creature, he is much smarter than you imagine, and he has every right to know why you refuse him.
6. Make sure that the rejections do not hurt your child. At a certain age, babies begin to actively learn about the world around them. Explain to your child that things are divided into "ours" and "others", and that "other people's" things cannot be taken. But, if the kid took some of your thing without permission, do not rush to take it away immediately, but offer an alternative option. In most cases, children will easily agree to exchange, especially if you patiently explain the reason.
7. Do not indulge in whims. Often the parents allow the child to do everything. And when he gets his first refusal, he starts to be capricious. Remember - if the child does something that you do not like, you must tell him about it. Moreover, it is necessary to explain in detail and calmly why this cannot be done, giving weighty arguments. Don't make yourself an idol by proclaiming, "Don't do that because I said so." For example, if your child has been watching TV for too long, talk about the harm to the baby's eye and that you are worried about the baby. As a rule, hearing this, children begin to be capricious - then you should offer the child an alternative option, switch his attention. For example, play an interesting game together. If the child begins to cry and be capricious, and after that you allow him to watch TV further, he will understand that it is easy for you.
   
8. Try to switch places. This is a good method for kids over 3 years old who already understand what's what. When a child starts to be capricious, copy him - whine, lightly grab the baby by the hand, shout or demand something. This is not a very pedagogical, but effective method, but remember that it should only be used as a last resort. It is better, of course, to explain everything to a child in a civilized manner.
9. Set the right example for your baby.... Do not be capricious yourself, do not quarrel with loved ones, do not shout at them.

Should you punish whims?

It depends on what you mean by punishment. not in any case. You can deprive your child of attention, let him know that you do not like his behavior, and you do not have to listen to him until he becomes prudent. Remember that you are older and must be balanced and low-key.... You must be able to explain to your child why he is wrong. The main thing is to find an approach to your baby, and, believe me, there will be much less whims!

Father:

- I'll have to, son, I'll punish you, although it's very unpleasant for me!

- In that case, who do you want to please?

All children are capricious. But at different ages, they do it for different purposes, for different reasons and, accordingly, in different ways. The peak of whims occurs at the age of 2 years. It is at this time that the baby actively checks the relationship with the people around him and forms the skills of correct behavior.

According to psychologist and teacher Rail Kashapov, a whim is an emotional pressure on an adult, an attempt to force parents to do as the child wants.

It is very important that adults understand what is happening with their child and behave correctly in response to children's whims and tantrums.

For example, is it necessary to take a child in your arms when he is naughty? The answer here will be ambiguous. Of course, the child needs to be picked up from time to time - children need parental warmth and affection. Of course, this should be done when the child is scared, upset, or just tired of something. But when this is just an egoistic attempt to attract attention to oneself (the mother is talking to someone, is engaged with another child, etc.), then in such a situation the baby should be rejected.

Or the already familiar situation with the adaptation of children to kindergarten: whims, tantrums and other "concerts". We, too, faced such short whims with our Tanya. Moreover, her whims were not about the fact that we left her in the garden, but because there were still children, to whom the teacher also paid attention. Naturally, there is no need to react to such whims: the child must learn to live in society and take into account the interests of others. After all, it is at this age that 2 basic rules of etiquette "Respect!" and "Do not interfere!", on which the main law of conflict-free communication and interaction with people around is built: "Your freedom ends where the freedom of another person begins."

Even more "terrible" whims are whims about buying something or sweets arranged in a store ...

But do not be afraid of the capricious behavior of your child. I never tire of repeating: in general, everything that happens to a child under the age of 3, both positive and negative, should not be afraid! The main thing is not to let it take its course!

Children's whims need to be treated with understanding, but at the same time not make any concessions. If you give in once, then again and again, then the child will form the wrong idea of ​​how to get what you want. As R. Kashapov asserts again, “Whims, as a phenomenon, are easier to suppress at the first, second, third, tenth trick than at the fiftieth or hundredth. While the child is still small and has not gone into a rage, but only makes attempts, you can stop the development of this phenomenon. "

Tip 1:

Do not give in under the influence of tantrums, because their goal is to put pressure on adults to get what they want. Try to figure out when and for what reason the child falls into such a state, and based on these findings, try to simply not allow this in the future.

For example, if you understand that the child is not in the mood to eat himself, although he knows how to do it, then you do not need to insist. It is better to feed him right away, without provoking whims, than to withstand his tantrum and. as a result, leave the child without food? continuing to insist on their own.

Tip 2:

Observe yourself: maybe you say the words "no" and "no" too often. Of course, the child must clearly know the boundaries of what is permitted. And at the same time, it will be more effective if you begin to denote more often what exactly he is “allowed”. For example, instead of the phrase "You can't pull the cat by the tail!" better say: “The cat can be petted. Like this". Or, instead of forbidding you to touch the iron, teach your baby how to use it (take it by the handle correctly, etc.). The goal is the same - to protect the child, but the emotional coloring of words and actions is different.

Tip 3:

Answer the child's requests clearly and definitely. No evasive answers, otherwise he will achieve his own whims and hysteria. Instead of saying “I would have allowed you to eat candy, only my mother didn’t tell you,” it would be more correct to say: “You cannot take candy. You can take a cookie. "

Tip 4:

Don't lose your temper! Sometimes it happens that adults begin to get angry and swear, escalating the situation. Remain calm, able to think and control yourself. Don't shout, eh. on the contrary, speak as quietly as possible on purpose. If you have spoken, continue to speak in a calm tone. Remember: you are a role model for a child!

Tip 5:

During tantrums, do not try to explain something: the child at this time still does not hear anything. Just wait! You can use the method of "indifference": keep going about your business, discreetly observing him. But be sure to keep your child safe by checking the environment so that he does not harm himself. One way or another, the hysteria will go away by itself.

Tip 6:

As soon as the hysteria passes, try to immediately forget about it and forgive the child. Do not remind about it, do not read sermons and morals, do not insist on an apology and forgiveness. Analyze the situation better. The reason for hysteria can be: hunger, cold, illness, fatigue, lack of sleep, overexcitement, family and household problems, parental anxiety, etc.

In order to avoid whims, teach your child to express their desires in words. Explain that people are expressing their needs by not shouting, falling to the floor, or biting, but by calmly making requests to each other.

"Parents, encouraging the whims of children and pampering them when they are small, spoil their natural inclinations, and then they are surprised that the water, the source of which they themselves have poisoned, has a bitter taste."

John Locke

Oh, these terrible whims of a child!

You are once again faced with the whims of a child.

“I will not wear this shirt / dress”, “I don’t want to eat this nasty porridge”, “I won’t go to kindergarten,” “I won’t do this task,” and then more moans, whining, tears, resentments, etc. ...

The child starves to death. These whims are pretty exhausting parental patience, bringing him "to white heat." At first, the parents are annoyed, and then they can give a kick at the fifth point.

What is the basis of a child's whims? And how can parents cope with children's whims, getting out of this situation with dignity?

Let's figure it out first, what are children's whims? What kind of reaction is this?

Adults call such reactions of a child whims when he is in an emotionally excited state, requires something that he himself does not understand, does not want to go to bed or eat when the time has come, whimpers or, on the contrary, is very excited and aggressive, often changes his desires from one to the other and back.

At the everyday level, parents and other adults often explain the child's whims with the following words: “I didn’t sleep during the day (I slept badly) - I can’t calm down”, “I was overexcited at a party (or because of guests, new impressions)”, “I was tired on the road”, "I watched a lot of cartoons before going to bed", "probably gets sick."

Indeed, the child's whims begin in the late afternoon, when the child is a little tired emotionally and his nervous system needs rest. They put the child to bed - and in the morning there was no trace of whims.

But sometimes problems are not solved either in the morning, or in the afternoon, or the next day. And then the reasons for children's whims must be sought in the system of family education.

Children's whims- an age-related phenomenon. Often, whims appear in a child shortly after a year. In general, periodic manifestations of whims are considered normal in preschoolers.

However, if a child is constantly naughty at school age, then most likely this indicates either the physical distress of the child (gets sick), or about the learned manner of communicating with parents (otherwise he does not know how to achieve his goal).

A child's whims are asking adults for help or drawing attention to their needs. A small toddler starts to act up if he is tired, hungry, or wants attention.

If a child has a pain, he is stuffy or hot, if he is sick or the temperature rises, the bed is uncomfortable or tight shoes, but he cannot tell his parents about it in words, then he begins to "be capricious." More precisely, for the parents it looks like whims, but in fact the kid asks: "help me, I feel bad."

Drawing attention to your own person is also one of the reasons for the constant whims of children. For example, a mother is “always busy” at work or in the kitchen, she has no free time for a child, for example, for two days. That is, of course, she will feed and dress him, but she does not have quality time for a child. Well, I got bogged down, fluttered, it happens.

And then, starting in the morning, the child already behaves capriciously and irritably, endlessly demands something (either drink water, then change clothes, show something, bring something, read it and so on ad infinitum). In fact, the child again says: "I feel bad, bored, lonely - sit with me, play, talk." In this case, it is enough to pay high-quality (only dedicated to him) attention, and the whims will come to naught.

And another common reason for children's whims, as I have already mentioned, is the lack of educational discipline in the family.

If the child is always indulged in everything, everything is allowed, the child does not know the word "no", then any prohibition or refusal on the part of adults leads to whims, and then hysterics. If a mother in a panic performs actions from the series “everything, everything, my dear, I already carry / do / take out / buy”, then whims become a normal form of interaction with the parent.

And the downside. When a child is constantly restrained, upset, forbidden, sooner or later the beating energy of children's desires breaks out into irritability, whims, stubbornness. And no matter what punishment follows this, he will still be capricious, because, firstly, emotional stress is relieved this way, and secondly, the child is seeking the attention of the parents.

At the same time, the most difficult situation is when the permissive and prohibitive styles of upbringing in the family are combined. For example, when the parents forbid many things, and the grandmother indulges all the whims of the child. In this case, the child does not form stable and unambiguous boundaries of behavior, and he begins to rush from one desire to another - “being capricious”.

Now that we understand what caused the incessant whims of children, the question arises - how to cope with the whims of a child?

Well, Firstly Are you sure that you really need to "deal with" them? After all, "to cope" means to correct, to win, to break the will, to act by force. And as a result - to offend, ruin the mood for himself and him, break, forcefully coerce.

Therefore, in order to cope with a capricious child, you need to adhere to inherently simple rules.

To begin with, find out and understand what is the cause of the whim that has arisen. And to eliminate it is sometimes enough. And even if at first glance the reason is not clear, express your empathy and concern to the child with his problems.

In- second, "Calm, only calm." Don't go into a vicious circle. The child's whims cause anxiety, excitement, irritation in the mother. And the negative emotions of the mother, in turn, reinforce the negative emotions of the child. Stay calm! Sometimes whims are like playing for the audience. If there is no one to play in front of, then the performance will not take place.

Thirdly, always remember that a child is a “creature from another planet”, he has other features of the emotional and volitional sphere. A child does not always understand the difference between "now" and "later", does not have the patience and endurance of an adult. For them, there is a situation "here and now"; the concept "in ten minutes" is eternity for a child. There is no need to demand from him an understanding of your problems - children are egoists in their essence.

And in the last, often whims are a reaction to a disturbed course of life - a violation of the daily routine, a daily ritual, a joint pastime. Try not to disrupt the normal course of the child's life, but if this happens, accept the subsequent whims with the steadfastness of an ancient warrior.