The husband does not want a second child: where to run and what to do? Why doesn't the husband want a second child? What to do? What to do next.

All men are different, so some of them are happy to receive the news of future parenthood or plan it taking into account modern conditions, while others are looking for a reason to postpone this event or avoid it altogether. There is no definite answer to the question of what is the root of these different behavioral patterns. Affected by upbringing, values ​​inculcated in the family, the level of self-awareness, and so on. Whatever it is, but in the end it is us women who have to deal with the nuances that arise when we want to have children. And often a wife should show miracles of persuasion in order to persuade her husband to the need to acquire a new status for him as a father.

You and your husband have an ideal relationship: he loves, gives gifts and protects you, you spend every vacation together, relaxing at sea or abroad. You are happy together and your life is overshadowed by only one thing - his unwillingness to have children. You are lost in conjecture: why does he not want a child? Let's try to figure out for what reasons modern men are in no hurry to acquire offspring. There are several explanations why our husbands do not want or, more precisely, do not dare to have their first child in the family.

Firstborn: why does the husband hesitate?

One of the reasons is psychological incompatibility. It is likely that your spouse, despite the complete idyll in bed, does not find other points of contact in the relationship with you. This situation is often found among couples who got married at a too young age and got it wrong. They just legalized their sex life and completely forgot that a family is, first of all, a partnership in everything, and not just regular lovemaking. With some efforts on the part of the newlyweds, the situation can be completely corrected if at the heart of the marriage there were still sincere and warm feelings towards each other.

If your union has a decent experience, and your spouse is still not ready to replenish the family, there may be several reasons for this at once. Firstly, it is common for a man, regardless of his age, whether he is 20, 30 or even 40 years old, to remain a child himself, in need of affection, care and attention. Secondly, your husband may think that he is still too young and "has not walked up", so first you need to live for yourself for a while. Thirdly, he may simply be trite to be afraid of responsibility. So, here are the main excuses men make when trying to delay the onset of parenthood.

• Material unavailability

As a rule, this one is mentioned more often than others. If the spouse is not ready to become a father, he will bring a lot of arguments. Usually it can be uncertainty about the future, lack of an apartment, car or high-paying job. In most cases, all these are just words behind which the fear of future responsibility is hidden. After all, the easiest way is to say that there is simply no financial opportunity for the birth of a child than to look for them.

• The wife is not ready to become a mother

Some men may actually feel that the spouse is not yet ready to become a mother. However, in reality, they themselves are often not ready for fatherhood, and they lack the courage to admit it. But sometimes it happens that a woman's unwillingness to perform certain household duties and shifting the bulk of them onto the shoulders of her husband is direct evidence for him that the wife cannot cope with a child either. Therefore, there is no reason for it to appear in the family.

• The wife is unworthy to become the mother of his child

Of course, not every man dares to voice this very strange opinion. As a rule, the reason for this is the reason why the man got married. Usually, representatives of the stronger sex marry either for love, or for convenience, as well as out of despair. There are often cases when, in a marriage for selfish motives, the appearance of offspring is not considered mandatory, and in some cases is even undesirable.

How to awaken the paternal instinct in a man? If the spouse is not ready for fatherhood for material reasons, try to explain to him that there is always not enough money, that the desired income can be expected until old age. It is much more difficult to cope with the psychological unwillingness of a spouse to become a father. Talk to your husband about his life priorities. If he believes that the child can interfere with his career, then convince that the birth of the baby will not affect his promotion in any way, because you will take on a significant part of the care.

If your husband thinks that it is too early for you to have offspring, ask him a quite reasonable question: "When, in your opinion, will not be early?" Often, parents become ready to raise a baby after birth. Therefore, you can safely use this argument for a difficult discussion with your husband. If the reasoning and behavior of your man defies any common sense and logic, think carefully about whether it is worth spending your strength and nerves on creating a family nest with such a representative of the stronger sex.

Second child: why does the husband not want to?

But it often happens that the birth of the first child for a young family becomes, as it were, a matter of course. Most modern fathers happily accept the appearance of their son or daughter, enthusiastically rush to the aid of a young wife, walk with a stroller on weekends and even replace it at night if the baby is capricious and does not allow rest. It would seem that the drawn picture is just perfect. But time passes, the child grows up, and the woman is increasingly visited by the idea of ​​giving birth to his brother or sister.

You again look with affection at mummies with strollers, recall the indescribable sensations that you experienced while rocking a newborn in the arms, your state of pregnancy, when you were in endless harmony with the world and yourself, and the emotions that you experienced when you first saw your baby ... And ask yourself: "Why not?" This means that the maternal instinct spoke in you with renewed vigor. It remains only to convince the spouse to a second attempt at procreation. What difficulties await you, why do women often face a situation when a husband does not want a second child?

• "We can't afford it!"

You are lucky if your daughter was the first in your family. Many representatives of the stronger sex, according to biological law, seek to leave behind strong male offspring, which is why they themselves often insist on the birth of another child in the hope that he will turn out to be a son. This does not mean at all that the appearance of a second daughter will greatly disappoint your spouse and he will not love her, unless, of course, we are talking about a normal person with a healthy psyche. After all, he perfectly understands that the sex of the unborn child cannot be "ordered".

Most of the problems associated with the birth of a second baby have families where the boy is already growing up. But many women so want to have a daughter. But why does the husband say a firm "no"? Probably, in this case, the meaning of the well-known attitude is affected: a man is supposed to "give birth" to a son, build a house and plant a tree. Since its first point is considered fulfilled, the head of the family tries to focus all efforts on the implementation of the remaining two. And then the wife declares that she would like to become a mother again. And then a hackneyed phrase sounds in response: "Honey, we can't afford it."

Many women, who faced just such an argument, got out of the situation with honor and found the happiness of motherhood again, when they calmly and judiciously outlined a picture of future expenses to their spouse. Indeed, the appearance of another child in the family often requires much less financial investment than was the case with the first child. As a rule, there are many items and things left from an older baby: a crib, playpen, stroller, clothes, shoes, and so on. Unless, of course, you still planned to become a mother again and prudently did not sell and donate all the available dowry. Therefore, simply and clearly explain your own view of things to your spouse.

Perhaps your firm and well-reasoned position will make your husband think. It will also not be superfluous to revive joint memories of how many wonderful moments the birth of your first child brought you both, his first smile, babbling, timid steps ... Men are not devoid of sentimentality, especially in relation to their own offspring. But think for yourself if you can handle it if, for example, you don't have your own home, because it is very difficult to constantly move with two children. Do you have your own apartment and a permanent source of income? Give examples of families with two or three babies, and the income is lower than that which you have. It is likely that after a while the spouse himself will offer: "Why don't we try number two?"

• "I don't want to change anything!"

It also happens that the first child took a lot of strength from both of you, for example, due to poor health. At some point, you moved away from each other, did not rest together for a long time, constantly faced the problem of finding additional sources of income. Of course, as the child grew older, some issues were resolved, there was more freedom, intimate relationships again began to bring joy to both of you, that is, a graceful period of rest began in the family.

The spouse finally relaxed and began to enjoy communicating with the first-born, that is, to fully enjoy the delights of fatherhood. And here you are with the desire to start all over again: sleepless nights, tears, fatigue, lack of time for yourself, and so on. It's easy to predict his reaction: "No, I'm not ready, period." But wise women have a persuasive skill - use it and choose exactly the words that can make your spouse soften. For example, tell the child that the child is not the child, and it is not at all necessary that the second child will be as restless as the firstborn. Promise that you will not restrict your husband in his freedom, of course, within reasonable limits.

But before you say all this, consider whether you are ready for the fact that your spouse will probably not really be able to help with the same strength due to the need to devote more time to work. He will probably need rest, that is, most of the daily household chores will fall on your shoulders. Are you confident that your maternal instinct is stronger than the difficulties ahead? Great, then convince your husband of this so that he believes you.

If both you and your spouse have brothers or sisters with whom you have maintained a warm relationship, then this can also become a weighty argument in favor of having another child. Say, for example: “How I wish our child had a close and dear person, besides us!”. But in any case, do not resort to the ultimatum: "I give birth and that's it!" The consequences can be very unpleasant for you. And the kid growing up in the family will become a witness to the quarrels.

• "Cheating is not a reason to become a father again!"

So we come to the most dangerous reason why a man does not want to become a father a second time. It lies in lies. Yes, yes, often we women use all means to achieve what we want, and if persuasion does not help, then we try to get pregnant by fraudulent means. The time that we started or continue to take birth control pills, we secretly visit the gynecologist in order to remove the spiral, and so on. Some particularly inventive ladies even pierce condoms. And in such cases, it is no longer a question of maternal instinct, but rather of an attempt to firmly bind a spouse to oneself by double paternity. But by doing so, you push him against the wall, make it clear that the opinion and desires of your husband worries you in the last turn.

That is why women who become pregnant by deception are faced with a sharp "no" and a categorical demand to have an abortion, otherwise the spouse threatens to leave the family altogether. An absurd and tragic situation, you must agree. Therefore, you should not lie and use dishonest ways to give birth to a child, because families with a large number of children break up. It is best if the decision to become a father for the second time is made by the man himself (of course, not without your help). Turn the situation in such a way that it was he who initiated your new pregnancy, because, it turns out, he himself has long wanted another child. So the husband will feel like the real head of the family, thereby increasing his measure of responsibility to you and the children.

• "I don't need surprises!"

But it is not very uncommon for a second pregnancy to occur unexpectedly for both spouses. And if a woman most often feels joy from this news, then a man is not so optimistic. Yes, it happens that in this case, for no apparent reason, he insists on an abortion. You are at a loss: there is an apartment, a car, the eldest child has already grown up, grandparents on both sides rush with the appearance of another baby, promising all-round help, and it seems that there are no obstacles to replenishment in the family ... And the husband is not in any.

What is behind this behavior? Perhaps you have recently begun to quarrel more, the family has ceased to resemble a safe haven, and he is simply afraid that with the appearance of another baby, everything will only get worse. There is only one way out - to improve relations with your spouse, and the sooner the better. Say no to scandals, surround your husband with attention and care, perhaps this way he will quickly come to terms with the fact of a new pregnancy.

In a prosperous family, there are no special difficulties, the relationship is quite harmonious, and he still insists on an abortion, despite your staunch resistance? This is the most difficult moment, because the life of the unborn child and the very fact of marriage are on the scales. In this case, only the woman will have to decide. And this should be approached with all responsibility.

Of course, most often it happens that at first the negatively-minded spouse does not show any emotions in connection with the wife's repeated pregnancy, but over time he gradually gets used to this thought and rejoices with it the first impulses of the crumbs in the mother's womb. And subsequently, it is this child that evokes especially warm feelings on the part of the father. But there are also exceptions to the rule, when a man who does not want to become a dad again threatens his wife with a divorce if she does not agree to an abortion.

If you are confident in your husband's feelings for yourself, then try to convince him of his own rightness. Insist that you have no idea how you can kill the fruit of your mutual love, because it will be just as similar to you or your spouse as the older child. Tell about the complications behind the abortion, that if in the future the husband changes his mind and asks for a second baby himself, you can hear from the doctors: “No, this, unfortunately, is no longer possible for you.” And no matter how much he wanted then, the child will no longer be. Tell that your spouse's stubbornness means only that he doesn't value your own life at all, let alone your baby-to-be. It is possible that such arguments can properly influence your husband, and you will become happy parents a second time.

But something else can happen: the marriage will fall apart, and you will be left alone with two babies. Weigh all the possible consequences and be smart about the child-or-divorce dilemma. Although situations are not uncommon in which women who decided to have an abortion under the influence of their husbands, in the end, themselves became the initiators of the dissolution of the marriage. Indeed, in the subconscious, the idea that at the most crucial moment they were betrayed by a loved one is forever rooted, putting their own interests at the head and sacrificing the health of the spouse.

• "I won't have time for much!"

This is exactly what mature men think, upon whom the news of the coming opportunity to become a father a second time falls. It seems to them that there is no time for this. Such experiences and hesitations are quite understandable and justified, because the child will require a lot of strength, both emotional and physical. Not in the last place in this situation is the financial situation of the family, because money is needed not only for the period of growing up of a son or daughter, but also for their education. But the age of the father may by that time become a hindrance to earnings. Men "over forty" are also concerned that the age difference with the unborn child will be very large, which will interfere with the establishment of normal relations with him. How do you convince your husband to take the risk and experience the happiness of being a parent again?

First of all, talk to him about your own experiences: about how much you want to use your last chance for motherhood, about love for your future baby. Also, don't be afraid to voice the concerns that often accompany pregnancy and childbirth later in life. But emphasize that you are ready to take risks for the opportunity to become a mother again in order to follow the first steps of the baby again, hear his babble, take him to first grade ... Give examples of famous people who were not afraid of fatherhood at a more mature age. Show gentleness and understanding, radiate confidence and peace, and it is quite possible that your determination and steadfastness will resonate in your spouse's heart, and his "no" will turn into "take a chance, beloved."

In conclusion, I would like to note that planning this event helps to avoid most of the problems associated with the birth of another child in the family. Modern life is incredibly changeable, so you should not be surprised at the indecision of most families in this matter. Adequate parents understand that the very fact of birth does not mean anything, because a child needs so many things, even when he becomes an adult. Often, just the desire to re-experience the happiness of motherhood or fatherhood is not enough; it is important to understand the full measure of responsibility that arises in connection with the appearance of children in the family.

But at the same time, you should not be especially pessimistic, constantly tormented by doubts, since time is running out irrevocably, and missed opportunities can no longer be made up. Therefore, dear readers, love your husbands and do everything necessary so that they see in you the very women who are simply obliged to give birth to a son or daughter. And not just one, but as many as you want and can grow.

Some time after the birth of their first child, many families think about the birth of a second baby. And this is correct, because children with a small age difference are always closer to each other, and parents are full of strength to raise and educate both. When both parents find it natural to add to the family, it's great. But what if dad is against it?

A situation in which a woman dreams of replenishing her family, but her husband does not want this, is, unfortunately, not uncommon. Sometimes a woman encounters indifference or even irritation and anger on the part of her husband. And if the pregnancy has already come, he insists on an abortion.

If the husband does not want a second child - what to do, why does he not want to? How to convince a man, persuade him? Let's figure it out together:

Why is the husband against?

In such a situation, one should not put pressure on a man, all the more to use emotions, which in this case are unlikely to help. Try to find out the reason for his unwillingness to become a father a second time, talk to him frankly. Psychologists name many possible causes. Let's dwell on the most common ones:

Financial situation

He is simply afraid that the family will no longer have enough money, especially if the family is not rich anyway. After all, children need to be fed, clothed, put on shoes, bought toys, packed to school, but you never know what a family needs.

In addition, the firstborn is still small, the wife does not work. A man is seriously afraid that he will not have enough money for a quality vacation, for some of his own hobbies. And to provide two children with a good education is more difficult than one.

If this is the case, wait until maternity leave is over and go to work before you start talking about your second child. If you are a housewife, then you need to find a job. This will give an additional inflow of finance. In addition, your arguments can be the things of the first-born, from which he grew up, his toys, etc. All this does not need to be spent extra.

Housing issue

Unfortunately, very few young families have a spacious home of their own. Most either rent small apartments, rooms, or live with their parents, or even with brothers and sisters. As the head of the family, a man understands that the appearance of another child will worsen the already not very comfortable living conditions. Therefore, the lack of a spacious apartment, where it would be comfortable for everyone and not cramped, is a good reason against.

However, try to explain to him that while the child is small, he does not need a lot of space. Over time, you can put a bunk bed for children, it will take up as much space as a regular one. Maternity capital can become a weighty argument, which can be used to improve the living conditions of the family.

The age of the man

Young men often do not want a second child, because they believe that youth is leaving, but they want to live for themselves too. They want to do everything while they are young: travel, complete or improve their education, take up a career, etc. And the birth of another baby can be scheduled "for later."

If this is the case, tell him that it is better to raise children now, when the parents are young, they still have a lot of strength, health and energy for this. In 5-10 years, all this may no longer be. And old age is better to meet in a large family.

Fear of wife's second pregnancy

The fact is that men remember very well how the wife did not want to, and how her appearance changed her. They do not forget about sleepless nights after the birth of a child, diapers, diapers, searching for the right baby food, frequent quarrels, etc. Maybe for a woman this is not a reason, but for a man it is a strong argument.

Women often stop giving enough attention to their husbands after the birth of a child, giving all the attention and love to the baby. Men are very worried, although they may not show it. Often during this period, there are love affairs on the side. In addition, many causes of male bad habits can have roots in this period.

What to do?

If he doesn't, don't panic or get discouraged. Begin to gradually prepare your loved one, step by step, day by day. Never press on him, do not make scenes and do not go straight ahead. Make it worse. Moreover, do not put him in front of the fact of a pregnancy that has already happened - this can only aggravate the situation.

Do not lie to yourself, not to him, saying that this time you will easily go through pregnancy, cope with hormonal disruption, you will not become irritated and capricious. That you will treat him as now, you yourself will get up to the baby at night and wash the diapers. Do not say that you will not get fat and will carefully monitor yourself.

Better tell him how dear he is to you, how you love him, that you want to give birth to a baby from him, but you don't just want an abstract child. Remember, you should only make this important decision together, because that's what you and your family are for.

Have patience, subtly return to this issue, gently persuade. Tell us how great it is to have a big friendly family, how interesting it will be with the children when they grow up.

If he insists on abortion

This situation is extremely difficult for a woman. When pregnancy has come, and the man is categorically against the child and insists on an abortion, this is a real tragedy for a woman. Therefore, it is necessary to remind once again that it is necessary to plan the birth together. Then you will not have to make a terrible choice - to give birth or to kill the life that was born. Moreover, it is always worth remembering that.

You need to understand that the onset of pregnancy will not hold the husband if he does not want a child. The woman runs the risk of being left alone with two babies in her arms. But even if you have an abortion, it is unlikely to help keep your family together.

If your loved one insists on getting rid of pregnancy, talk to him, explain what it is and how it can affect a woman's health, that there is a great risk of being childless for life. Men often do not understand the full dangers of abortion, considering it a simple medical procedure, no more dangerous than going to the dentist.

Show him the results of an ultrasound scan, tell him that you do not want to kill a child from a loved one. Explain why abortion is dangerous for you, for your health. If he loves, protects you, then he will definitely understand.

Try to understand that fatherhood, unlike motherhood, is not a natural instinct - it is a purely social phenomenon. Therefore, fatherly feelings do not come to a man immediately. Maybe he will feel like a dad in a month after the birth of the baby, or maybe in a year or several years. Some of them don't come at all. Therefore, a lot depends on you. The right tactics, plus his feelings for you, will most likely help you convince him.

If the husband has reasons for bad habits, he suffers from cravings for alcohol or drugs, then think about whether you need a pregnancy from this person?

In conclusion of our conversation, it is necessary to remind that when planning a pregnancy, a woman must be confident in her health condition. also need to pass. Therefore, if you both decide to have another child, pay attention to your immune system. Here are two popular recipes for enhancing the body's defenses, increasing its resistance to disease:

Folk recipes to boost immunity

Grind with a blender or with a meat grinder (it is easier to use an electric one) well-washed dried fruits: figs, dried apricots, figs and raisins, which take 50-100 g each. Add the same amount of chopped almonds or walnuts. Transfer to a jar, pour over with honey to cover the surface of the mixture. Stir, keep cold. Eat 1-2 tablespoons a day.

Eat fresh cranberries and lingonberries in season. Prepare fruit drinks, add the leaves to the tea leaves. Berries contain many useful substances, effectively strengthen the immune system. Be healthy and happy!

Svetlana, www.site

How many women find themselves in such a situation! The topic of the husband's unwillingness to have a second baby- very often rises on women's forums on the Internet. And when a woman presents this problem, her virtual interlocutors give a variety of advice: from completely abandoning her own aspirations to deceiving her other half. Today we will look at several typical stories and try to find ways out of these difficult situations.

Glue the cup

Lyuba and Victor have been together for three years. They have a two-year-old Pashka. But not everything is smooth in the family harbor. For several months now, the quarrels of the spouses have become almost daily. Several times the word "divorce" slipped through ... But Lyuba did not want a divorce! She loved Victor, and they also bought an apartment together and while they were paying off the loan. And if a divorce, then how to divide everything? And how is Pashka? Anyone faced many questions. But then an interesting thought came to her mind: what if you give birth to another baby? She and Vitya will again rejoice at the first smiles, steps, words, and there will be no time to quarrel. “Yes, and he would not dare to leave me with two children,” - no, no, and flickered in Lyuba's head. Choosing one of the moments of calm, she voiced her desire to give birth to another baby. And this led to another quarrel with a showdown. Victor was categorical: the second child now will be superfluous in their family. And before anybody there was a question, what to do ...

Should I do the second baby The "glue" that should hold the family together? For many women, this option seems to be quite correct. They count on a man's sense of duty, on his decency. They hope that the first toothless smile will melt his heart. Are these hopes justified? The unequivocal answer is NO. A child, neither the first nor the second, cannot (and should not!) Be a means of keeping a man. Hopes for a sense of duty and decency very often remain only hopes. A man, feeling that he has been "deceived" in some way, may generally refuse to communicate with a woman and a child. The woman experiences a whole storm of emotions, realizing that the bets are lost. The kid, "not working", becomes unnecessary. And the share of the unloved baby unenviable: he will never receive enough warmth and care, he will always doubt his value for other people, and it will be difficult for him to build his own family. Even if a man stays on after learning about pregnancy, even if he wholeheartedly becomes attached to to kid, it will not solve his problems with the woman. After all, something led to a "crack" in the relationship? And this "something" remained unresolved. If you are aware that the desire to have a second baby comes from the desire to keep a spouse, to hold a family together, stop. Most likely, your spouse does not want to plan a second now, and he is right. You must first sort out the relationship, resolve the "hot" issues. Perhaps even consult a psychologist. And when calm reigns in your harbor again, you both want another successor. And this one child will be a true symbol of new family happiness and tranquility.

When there is no time for persuasion ...

For some time now, Polina was absorbed in the dream of the appearance of a second baby... Buying clothes and toys for five-year-old Mila, she could not pass by small blouses, caps and romper suit. The maternal instinct was so strong that Polina almost felt like she was pregnant. She dreamed of a baby, fully aware of how difficult time awaits their family. But she was ready for the endless diaper conveyor, for Mila's possible jealousy, and for temporary financial difficulties. She talked a lot with her friends, who managed to have two children, and understood that she would be quite able to do it. She already wanted to start a conversation with her husband about planning, when she realized that she was already pregnant! With her eyes shining with joy, she reported the news to her husband, but he was not at all happy ...

This situation is perhaps the most difficult for a woman. Realizing that she is pregnant, the woman realizes that she really wants this baby, already loves him. And the husband either expresses dissatisfaction or openly insists on terminating the pregnancy. Sometimes men are so categorical that they say: "either an abortion, or a divorce!" At this moment, an acute conflict arises in the woman's mind: she wants baby, which is already growing in the tummy, and she, more than ever, needs the support of her husband. But she also realizes that she can lose her husband and stay with two children if she keeps the pregnancy. What to do? Should you follow the lead of your husband or keep the pregnancy under the threat of breaking up with him? This is the most difficult choice, and no one except a woman has the right to decide how she should be. But still, let's outline a few guidelines that will help in thinking about the decision. The most important point here is the threat of divorce. And sometimes a woman chooses to have an abortion in order to maintain a relationship. But many are in for an unpleasant surprise: after a while, the marriage still falls apart. And the woman remains both with a sense of guilt before the unborn baby, and with bitterness that even this desperate step did not save the family. Why does abortion provoke divorce? First, by terminating a pregnancy, a woman not only feels guilty, but also intense rage directed at her husband for insisting on this step. Even if a woman does not show this rage, she lives inside, and eats away at the relationship, like rust. Second, a woman loses confidence in her husband, because at such an important moment for her and the whole family, he insisted on an abortion, thus choosing the path that is easiest for himself and the most difficult for a woman. She begins to wait for a "catch" in other matters. Third, the fact that a man insists on an abortion makes it clear to a woman that he doesn't appreciate her health, and that the value of their love (a child- the fruit of this love), is insignificant for him. Fourthly, a woman after an abortion may decrease in sexual activity... Women often avoid contact with their husbands. And since sexual relations in marriage are one of the pillars on which it rests, then one more support becomes less. Of course, all this provokes conflicts and misunderstanding. Therefore, you should not think that termination of pregnancy is a guarantee of the "salvation" of the marriage, rather it is a direct path to divorce. You will have a serious conversation with your husband (perhaps more than one). What can help a husband to get rid of the idea of ​​abortion:

Idea # 1:"From the beloved husband of the beloved baby I will never kill! " By declaring this, you emphasize your attitude towards your husband, and also show how valuable the baby growing in the tummy is to you. It's very important to show your man that you already love. baby that he is not an abstract "fruit" for you, but a little man.

Idea number 2: let your husband know that child- a real little man. Show pictures of your ultrasound. Tell that child still very small, and his heart is already beating. For men, the fetus, especially until the moment of the first tremors, is something abstract, as if not real. Help your husband to realize that even up to 12 weeks old, this is a real little man.

Idea number 3: tell us that abortion has complications of varying severity(this is really true). These are infections, inflammatory diseases, bleeding, hormonal disorders, subsequent ectopic pregnancies, infertility - this is not a complete list. Is your husband ready to condemn you to these diseases? And all this, not counting the psychological distress. ... Polina's husband insisted on an abortion. “You put an end to our family life!” - he said. But Polina decided to keep baby... “We didn’t talk about pregnancy until 17-18 weeks, as if it wasn’t there,” she says. “But then everything gradually got better, and he began to worry with me. Now I see such a loving and caring father, which I have not seen with my eldest daughter, and I must say that the youngest loves him more than anyone else. But I was already 35 years old, and I wanted a second so badly that I put my family well-being on the scales. I realized that my husband could really leave. I went against his wishes and insisted on my own. Maybe this is wrong, of course two children should want, but it was in me, and not in him that this child... Therefore, at that moment it was I who made such a responsible decision - to keep the baby. " There are many such stories with a happy ending. Husbands who reacted negatively to the fact of the onset of a second pregnancy became tender and loving fathers. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that this will be the case. Therefore, try to prevent the situation of an “unexpected” unwanted pregnancy, and even more so do not deceive your husband, saying that you are using contraception or that “this day is safe”, in the hope that when the pregnancy becomes a fact, the husband will accept it without a murmur. Try to convince your husband first and then plan a pregnancy together.

Unripe fruit

One of the common reasons men do not want to have a second baby- This is the so-called "immature paternity syndrome". Their first children are often obtained "by accident", and they marry for this reason, guided by the firm hand of the future wife, or mother-in-law, or their mother. The "immature" father may also plan the first baby since he needs it for status (for example, to maintain the image of a respectable father of a family). As fathers, they show themselves reluctantly, communicating with the child only after long prodding, and to the maximum they shift the responsibilities of upbringing and care to the wife. When the spouse of such a man begins to think about the second child and voices this dream, she may hear in response: “But then I will not be able to change the car next year (go abroad, buy equipment for alpine skiing ...)”. For these men, the letter "I" is in the first place.

Just such men are "unripe fruit" and send their wives for an abortion, despite all the arguments that she gives them. They are the ones who are able to embody the threat of “divorce if baby you will leave ”to life. And if they stay in the family, where their second will be born child, then they will continue to shift the responsibility onto the wife (“you yourself wanted this baby, so educate him now! "). In general, the lot of the wives of such husbands is unenviable. Is it possible to stimulate an "immature" husband so that he sincerely wants to continue himself in the second child? Is it necessary? Even if he reluctantly agrees, it will be very difficult to wait for help in education from him. He wants too much to live "for himself", despite his marital status. In general, think a hundred times if you are ready to educate baby virtually alone, with his father's formal presence nearby. Perhaps it is worth waiting until the husband "grows up", or perhaps this will never happen. Start your new pregnancy journey, fully realizing that you should rely only on yourself.

Child as a symbol of change

Often men, even "mature" ones, do not want to plan a second baby because they are ... afraid! None of them admit it, but in fact it is. What are the most common male fears? First, it is fear that he will not be able to "feed" his large family, because, at least for 1.5-2 years, he again becomes the sole breadwinner! Secondly, it is fear of being rejected again, bye child small. Dads remember that when the first-born was born, the wife devoted almost all of her time baby, and she did not have enough time or energy for cooking, cleaning, and sexual relations. The man remembers this feeling of "abandonment" and does not want to repeat it. Third, it is fear of deteriorating relationship with wife... The overwhelming majority of couples are experiencing a “crisis of the birth of the first baby". It lies in the fact that with the birth of their first child, the husband and wife acquire new roles of "dad" and "mom", and mastering these roles is not an easy task. It takes time to understand what it means to be a parent. And often this period is full of mutual discontent and misunderstanding. But in the mind of a man, the time of birth baby firmly associated with memories of quarrels with his wife. And therefore fear arises: will the same thing happen a second time? Fourth, it is fear of losing a wife, especially if the first birth was difficult. No, no, and the thought flashes in a man's head: what if the birth is so bad that I have to raise my children alone? This fear rarely comes to the surface, into consciousness, but subconsciously it always exists, and it is he who provokes numerous male "excuses".

Is it possible to fight male fears, because these fears are sometimes not even realized by the husbands themselves? Difficult, of course, but quite possible: Talk! The fact is that adults have not yet found any other way to solve problems, as soon as in a conversation with each other. Expectations that everything will change “by itself”, “suddenly” lead to nothing but disappointment. Any problem should be discussed and spoken out. The discussion should be substantive. Ask why he doesn't want a second baby... Most likely, the husband will give arguments of a lack of money, job instability, and an unresolved housing issue. You must think in advance what arguments the spouse can bring and prepare to "reflect" them. Try to keep your answer based on logic rather than emotion, especially when it comes to money. The husband also needs emotional support. Do not forget to express confidence that he will be able to become a wonderful father for the second time, because now he is doing so perfectly well!

Techniques that can help you in a conversation:

Idea # 1: count the money. If you can calculate how much money will be spent monthly on diapers and other baby support, and you can show your spouse that this is quite feasible, even if he works alone, then half the battle is done! Calculate how much is now spent every month on family needs: clothing, food, payment of payments. Show him what parts can be temporarily trimmed in favor of diapers and undershirts. It is possible that this will be quite feasible spending for you!

Idea number 2: remind you that the second baby will not appear tomorrow. Strangely, when women start talking about planning, this simple thought does not occur to men. But given that pregnancy will not come immediately, the family has some time left! And during this period, you can save up money, slowly renovate the room, and generally get used to the idea that soon the ranks of your family will be replenished with a new member.

Idea number 3: remind your husband that many of the large items (stroller, crib and other dowry) are left over from the elder baby, you can buy something with "maternity" or "postnatal" money. Relatives will give something else. So the main thing is monthly content baby, but it is quite feasible with a reasonable approach. And here, as they say, "the world is not without good people." Familiar mothers who have a baby will then gladly give you the little things!

Idea number 4:"You are a worthy man!" Using this technique, you emphasize the leadership and strength of your husband, as well as your love and respect for him. Marina, when talking with her husband about the birth of her second baby, said: “You know how many girlfriends I have who simply do not want to have children from their husbands! They do not trust them, live with them more out of habit and see them mostly as flaws. I want baby from you! I am glad that you are my husband, I love and respect you, so I want more children. " This speech allowed Marina's husband to think that fatherhood is a gift of trust from the wife, it is recognition of him as a man and head of the family. And which of the men would refuse this?

Idea number 5:"Love is not going anywhere!" This is an argument for men who are afraid that with birth baby will again recede into the background. This situation must be discussed in advance. For example, the way Tatiana did it: “Yes, I remember how often I had to eat purchased dumplings when our first child was born. I remember how sometimes you didn't have a fresh shirt because the machine was busy washing the diapers. Sometimes I didn't have the strength to talk to you, and you must have felt lonely. Of course when the second is born child, the first year will be difficult again. Most of my time will be spent caring for him. But know that my love has not gone anywhere. Together we will cope with the difficulties! " It is important that a man knows that all these everyday troubles, the constant fatigue of his wife is not an indicator of a breakdown in the relationship.

Idea number 6:"You are already a father!" This argument is for those men who have experienced a turbulent period of “crisis of the birth of the first baby”, This period of misunderstanding, quarrels and grinding to the role of parents. You must understand that the birth of the first baby often leads to a crisis in the family. And by the time of the birth of the second, all the roles are already familiar, and the spouses have perfectly mastered what it means to be a mom and be a dad. You can and should tell your spouse about this, bringing the good news that there will be no new "redistribution of property"!

Idea number 7:"I am healthy!". To allay a man's fear that something might happen to you or your baby, see a doctor before planning a pregnancy. Make sure you are healthy and ready for this challenging journey. Your own health is the key to the success of the future baby's health. And inform your husband about the results of the "medical examination". Knowing that you are on this path healthy, he will be less worried about your health with your baby.

Ilya, a happy father of two sons, once told me how he did not want the birth of a second baby... “Our first child was two years old when my Katerina started talking about the“ second lala ”. I then could not restrain myself, and very sharply told her that the second was out of the question now. Our Maxim, up to one and a half years old, was a very excitable child, slept badly, was a lot of capricious. We were very tired. The wife was engaged practically only with the child. Of course, I understood that it should be so, but sometimes it was a shame that she even forgets to ask how my day went. Besides, I was the only earner. We didn't need it, of course, but there was no extra money either. In general, then the thought of a second child seemed terrible to me. All over again! I was clearly not ready "... “Although I answered with a categorical“ no! ”, Katerina did not calm down. Only later did I realize that she had her own wise tactics. For a while, conversations about the second stopped, but she no, no, and she screwed into our conversations stories about happy married couples with two children. I saw how her eyes burn when she looks at the kids, I heard her wondering about the jealousy of the elders towards the younger ones and how mothers and fathers cope with two. Gradually, I began to come to the conclusion that people live with two children! And they do not live in poverty, and they rejoice in life! In general, the idea of ​​having a second child ceased to seem terrible to me. And then my wife told me that she had gone through all the doctors and was completely healthy. She once again said that she really wants “her beloved husband” to become the father of her beloved for the second time baby... And we had a big conversation. We discussed that the money, in general, will be enough for us, all the things from the elder have remained, and we are already experienced parents, so we can handle it. And now, after a little over a year, we got the second squeaking lump! When I look at him, even with some shame I remember that at first I did not want him to appear! "

If your spouse speaks out against having a second baby, do not be discouraged. It is quite possible that this is the same situation when "water wears away a stone." Be patient and take small steps towards your goal. Do not put pressure on a man, do not throw out a storm of discontent on him. If a woman feels an inner need to become a mother, then a man needs to be helped to realize and get used to the idea of ​​becoming a dad again. With a delicate feminine approach, husbands become more loyal over time, and then with the same impatience they begin to wait for the "two stripes" as their wives. Many dads later say that being a father for the second time is a very special state. If the first time they were too tense, they were afraid to do something wrong, and as a result gave up all attempts at all, then the second time they feel great confidence and are able to get great pleasure from communicating with the baby.

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Hello! In this article, we will tell you about what to do if your husband does not want children. All advice was prepared by a professional psychologist with experience in family relationships.

The maternal instinct has been inherent in the girl since childhood. It is not surprising that sooner or later in the life of any woman there comes a period when she begins to desire motherhood and pregnancy with all her heart. However, men do not always respond happily to a wife's desire to have offspring.

You can't blame a man for not wanting to have children. More than half of men once categorically did not want to have children, while according to statistics, there are no more than 6-7% of women who are not ready for motherhood. Often times, men experience the real joy of fatherhood only when they first see their child. And that's okay. But how to awaken in a man the desire to have offspring?

Motivation to have a baby

First you need to understand that the motivation for having children is different for men and women.

Expectant mothers begin to dream about how they will carry their baby, feel the movement of new life in the womb, and after birth they will bring down all love, tenderness and care on the little person, they will lisp with him, feed and enjoy the tides of tenderness.

Such a picture is unlikely to induce a man to conceive a child. The future father will rather be inspired by the opportunity to pass on invaluable knowledge to his heir, thinking about how much and what he can give to his child.

This does not mean that men do not lisp with children, do not show tenderness and are not touched by a small part of themselves. All this happens after the birth of the child, and during the period, planning is not at all motivation for a man.

Why does the husband not want children

Women are very emotional creatures... This applies to all spheres of life, including the issue of motherhood and the creation of a family.

Men are more rational, ponder the situation and make informed decisions. Therefore, if your husband rejects your desire to have a baby, do not rush to get upset. Perhaps his arguments are not devoid of meaning.

There can be many reasons why a man does not want to have offspring.

• He worries that the woman will change after the baby is born.

Once he married an attractive beautiful woman, but now she has recovered considerably, has ceased to take care of herself, looks disgusting, and is also worn with an eternally screaming baby in her arms. A terrible dream of any man.

So that a man does not have thoughts that you will start yourself with the birth of a baby, start caring for yourself now. Dress nicely, even at home. Throw out torn robes, stretched sweaters and pants. Even if you are not going to leave the house, do a neat hairstyle and light makeup. Play sports and spend more time on yourself. And, of course, smile more and enjoy life.

• He's not sure about the woman or the relationship.

This is unpleasant to realize, but perhaps he just doubts whether the woman next to him or that you have a strong enough relationship. This case is most common among couples living in a civil marriage and not in a hurry to legalize their relationship. But sometimes this happens in officially registered families, if recently relations have deteriorated, there have been more quarrels, conflicts and omissions. The child is not glue. Therefore, before starting a child, you should sort out your relationship.

• He had another.

Sometimes a man is categorically against the child, because he has one, and he either wants to leave you, or he cannot decide in what relationship he is better. It is not worth giving birth in such a situation, because the child often only delays the moment of breakup, which is inevitable.

• He is jealous of his wife for the unborn child.

It also happens: a man loves his wife very much, does not want to share her with anyone and perceives the child as a potential rival. The reasons for this jealousy are rooted in childhood. Perhaps he grew up in a large family, in which his mother began to pay less attention to him after the birth of a younger brother or sister. Well, now you need to convince him by his behavior that he is the "most-most" of men, do not miss the opportunity to praise him, to confess your love. Periodically tell him what a wonderful father he would have turned out to be.

• He is afraid of children.

Of course, children require a delicate approach, but this is not a crystal vase, which is scary to touch again. The best way to allay your husband's fears is to spend more time with the children of relatives, friends, or acquaintances.

• He has health problems.

Your husband's concerns are probably not unfounded. It is worth taking this issue seriously, undergoing a full examination by competent specialists, if necessary, consult a psychologist. Risking the physical and mental health of a beloved man and an unborn child is not the best solution.

• He is afraid of having a sick child.

Now the percentage of unhealthy babies is born, the husband's concern is fully justified, especially if your family has had miscarriages or health problems in one of the spouses before. The solution to the problem will be the same as in the previous case.

• He is not sure if he has enough money.

If your man is generally not against children, but believes that he needs to earn extra money, buy an apartment and a car, you should not panic. You are married to a responsible man who understands that the appearance of a new family member will entail expenses and, at times, considerable. Another question is that the financial issues of modern families are almost never 100% resolved. New goals and financial challenges arise all the time.

Sometimes financial well-being comes after childbearing age or does not come at all. Approach this issue more carefully, discuss the family budget, the possibilities of additional income, how much money is needed for the first time after the birth of the baby and how much is needed to purchase everything you need. Discuss immediate financial goals, set deadlines. Agree that after achieving these goals, you will definitely have a child.

It will be useful to show your husband living examples of happy families that have achieved financial success after the birth of children.

• He is afraid of losing his freedom.

Sometimes men think that their whole life will change with the arrival of a baby. They will never be able to meet friends, go to a bar or a nightclub in the evening, sit in the garage and, in general, live as they please. In part, there is some truth in this. Indeed, with the birth of a child, a lot in life changes and fades into the background. But this does not mean that the child now needs to be treated as the main constraint that interferes with life. Many things will still be available, including having fun and meeting friends.

Try to convey this idea to your beloved. However, if a man is completely against taking on any responsibility, this is a serious reason to think about whether it is worth continuing a relationship with such a man.

• He wants to live for himself.

This wording often hides the usual fear of accepting responsibility and change. Now a man is satisfied with his comfortable predictable life, in which there is only you and him. Calmly discuss with him your future plans for life, ask how long this period will last and when he would like to have a child. It's great if you can set specific deadlines after which you will return to such a conversation. If you do not come to an agreement, it makes no sense to wait for a man for more than a year and a half.

• He doesn't want a serious relationship.

Perhaps he does not consider you as a constant life companion and considers himself in search of a better option. If so, why would you waste time with such a man?

• He is afraid that his sex life will change for the worse.

The issue of intimacy is important for many men. They do not want to be deprived of regular high-quality sex so much that they are ready to abandon the appearance of heirs. Talk frankly about this with your husband, find out what exactly worries him and try to convince him otherwise.

• He knows many bad examples.

A friend divorced his wife immediately after the birth of the baby, acquaintances began to quarrel often on the basis of raising a child, etc. Such examples can easily discourage the desire to have children of their own. Provide your spouse with real examples of happy couples with children, visit them more often and communicate. Explain that children do not destroy families, the only question is how the relationship was built before they started. If the spouses love each other, they have nothing to fear.

• He already has children and he does not want more.

Sometimes men marry with children from their first marriage or other relationship. Often, such an experience was not successful for them and did not bring much happiness, so now they do not want to have children. In addition, he perfectly understands that a child is a colossal responsibility that requires a lot of investment of funds, emotions and time.

Try to explain to your man how important it is for you to become a mother, that you want children from him and do not feel your full realization as a woman. Feel free to express your emotions, show sadness. If he begins to be interested in what your condition is connected with, gently answer that you feel like an inferior woman, because you have no children from your beloved man.

Perhaps he will answer you with consent, and if not, there is little choice: either stay with him and forget about the desire to become a mother, or try to build a full-fledged family with another man.

The husband does not want a second child

Sometimes one child is not enough for a woman and she has a desire to have a second baby. A man may well not want this, especially if not much time has passed after the birth of his first child: life has not been established, loans have not been paid, repairs have not been made, and, in general, there are a lot of problems. In this case, it is even silly to insist, because the unwillingness to have a child is quite logical.

It is another matter if several years have passed since the birth of the first child. What is the reason? Perhaps this is one of the above reasons.

Now a man knows from his own experience what he will face, how much time, effort and money he will need to spend, what difficulties lie in the issue of upbringing and education. Given all these nuances, he may not want a second child. This is normal and he has a right to it. Respect your husband's opinion.

What if the husband doesn't want children?

If the husband does not want to have children, the situation can be changed in your favor. To do this, you need to include all female wisdom, be soft and gentle.

Here are some tips for influencing your husband's decision:

1. Determine the real reason for not wanting to have children... Have a heart-to-heart talk, see what case your situation with your husband relates to and act according to the recommendations.
2. Sometimes it's worth starting small. Get a pet... Of course, this is not a child, but the animal will quite help to try on the role of a parent, to take responsibility and realize that this is not so scary, and the love and joy of communicating with a living creature are priceless.
3. Visit families with children and playgrounds as often as possible... Communication with children can awaken in a man a desire to get his own little one and understand that this is not so scary.
4. Communicate more with each other... And not only on the topic of children. Share your thoughts and experiences with each other, tell us how your day went and what happened. Sincere conversations strengthen relationships and help you better understand your spouse.
5. Prioritize correctly... Remember that for a woman, after her own interests, her husband should come first, and only then her children. Otherwise, the family risks becoming unhappy.
6. Limit your desires... Planning a child is not the best time to buy another fur coat, expensive jewelry, and other frills. Let your husband see that you are ready to moderate your appetites for the sake of the child and your goals together.
7. Don't harass your husband every day.... Frequent sexual activity is not very useful and unusual for the human body, and increased passion may look strange at all.
8. Try to be different and surprise your man... Let him once again make sure that you are a bright, unique, stylish personality and attractive woman.
9. Watch and take care of yourself... Men love fit and healthy. But, you must admit, being well-groomed and attractive is first of all important for you.
10. Show your husband that you are so happy too.

The main mistakes of women

Many people want to become a mother so badly that they make many mistakes and ruin their own relationships. What shouldn't you do when persuading your husband to have a child?

• Cheat and get pregnant in secret! The child should be desired by both parents. If you silently stop using protection and become pregnant, your husband will not appreciate your step. He will feel deceived and rightly think that even in such important issues as the birth of children, no one really considers him. As a result, the relationship will crack and not last long. After all, deception is not a very fertile ground for the birth of children.
• Do not scandal or reproach your husband... Shouts, demands, reproaches in this case will not help. You will only strengthen your husband's unwillingness to have offspring and sow doubt in him about your readiness to have a child.
• Close in oneself, take offense, speak in hints, move away. Often women do not speak directly about the desire to have a child. They choose an allegorical manner, hint to their husband, tell stories about happy pregnant girlfriends and are very offended when the husband does not understand their hints, regarding this as unwillingness to have children.
• Give ultimatums, blackmail, threaten... The child must appear in the family by mutual decision. It is very foolish to try to manipulate and force you to take your side. Even if the husband agrees, the baby runs the risk of becoming unloved, and the relationship will fall apart.
• Blaming a man for not wanting to have children... He is a free man and has the right not to want children.
• Having a baby in order to bond relationships... If the relationship is bursting at the seams and the business is close to parting, having children to keep a man is extremely wrong. Children can only strengthen already harmonious and happy relationships. In other cases, they will not keep the man and will not change your relationship with each other.
• Wait for a quick result... It takes a person time to reconsider his attitude, change his own and accept your point of view, but in the end, just think, because you had time to comprehend it, and you dumped everything for him in one conversation. Let him get used to this idea, think alone and maybe then he will change his mind.
• Show rigidity and categoricalness... These are masculine qualities that are unusual for a woman. And if a man notice them in your behavior, he is unlikely to make concessions.
• Insist on conceiving children if the husband has obvious health problems... Don't be selfish. This behavior can seriously harm your husband, your relationship, you and your baby if he is born.
• Talking about children right after the wedding... Let the man get comfortable with the role of the new husband.

Children are a wonderful part of family life and a natural stage in the development of relationships. They should be given birth only by mutual desire, so that the newborn child becomes the fruit of your love and happiness.

Practical psychologist about the problem of men's unwillingness to have children. Advice for women.