How to increase self-confidence in a child. How to boost your child's self-esteem: a psychologist's opinion

If you notice that your child constantly repeats what he can do, he cannot do anything, he cannot, then the child does not appreciate his strengths, he has low self-esteem. How to improve a child's self-esteem?

To do this, it is necessary to educate the child's self-esteem. Successful and confident people have a more positive self-image than losers, psychologists say.

Factors affecting a child's self-esteem

The key to positive self-esteem is an attentive, warm attitude of parents to a child! With all his nature, he understands: “I am loved. I live happily here. "

If this understanding is there, it will accompany him throughout his life. If the child has even the slightest doubt that he is loved, the likelihood that his self-esteem will be lowered sharply increases.

These first conclusions greatly influence the subsequent assessment of events. The unconditional, boundless, unconditional love of parents is the main thing a baby needs. There is no need to teach children in infancy to discipline, accuracy, responsibility and frugality! Let your child feel that he is the best and most beloved.

The child's subconscious mind will assimilate this information and store it for future use, absorb the energy of love.

How can parents help their child build self-esteem?

As they grow up, the child's self-esteem also develops from the assessment of their abilities in various activities. You can constantly prove to your child that he is a genius in mathematics. If he does not understand anything about it, he will understand that you are cheating.

This means that not only parental love and care can increase the child's self-esteem. Self-worth based on tangible success in any child's endeavors. As a parent, it is your job to help your child succeed in what is most important to him.

Academic success is especially significant. When a child has problems at school, he is overcome by discouragement. Even if he has no success in mathematics yet, help the child to excel in something else: in physical education, in English, in drawing.

Only success leads to success!

Teach your child to visualize for good results in math. Invite a tutor or do it yourself, and you will definitely get better.

Sometimes, on the contrary, parents do not quite understand how to praise a child without praising.

Yes, there is such a danger. Sometimes a loving parent, most often a mother, thinks that it is possible to increase a child's self-esteem only by instilling in him that he is always and in everything the best.

She is touched by his mediocre piano playing, constantly bragging about his successes in his presence. Such parents do not at all demand that the child really achieve success, they behave as if he has already achieved it.

As a result, the child grows together with the created radiant image and does not strive to achieve real success in life. You can avoid this danger. Only praise your child for real success. In any case, in proportion to the child's efforts!

In fact, there are not so many people with unjustifiably high self-esteem, and with low self-esteem - thousands or even millions, it can be assumed that we still more often notice the shortcomings of our children than the merits. It seems like people are better at remembering the bad than the good.

Let's give an example. You were in the company and they said a lot of nice words to you. But one friend dropped a sneer at you. Most likely, you will soon forget pleasant words, and you will remember unpleasant words for many years to come.

"No, no, don't give it to her, she will definitely drop it!" - excitedly and loudly said the mother to the teacher when she instructed her 8-year-old daughter to carry the vase at the school party. The girl was confused by these words and really dropped the vase. Learning to praise the “right” is also not easy.

We are much more accustomed and easier to respond automatically to a good deed of a child: “Well done! Clever girl! You are a good boy!" But we must remember that the constant use of such praise-assessment can lead to dependence on praise, moreover, the child may doubt your sincerity.

So you need to praise him thoughtfully, sincerely, not forgetting that these are not just pleasant words addressed to the child: this will affect both your relationship and the formation of the child's self-esteem and personality in general.

When evaluating a child's progress, do not compare his or her results with other children; compare with his own less successful results.

Never compare your child with any siblings or other children.

Each person is unique - remember? In addition, it is very unpleasant and humiliating for someone who is "not the best", harmful for someone who is praised, destructive for all relationships.

Recognizing your child's merits must be creative! Praising him day after day for his successes and achievements with the same words will have a beneficial effect on his self-esteem, but his effectiveness will increase if you manage to diversify the ways of reward.

If during your conversation with someone (on the phone or with other household members) the child, as they say, pricked up his ears, praise him by chance for some good deed. Of course, praise must be sincere and in moderation, children quickly recognize falsity and undeserved enthusiasm.

For example, it is useful for a boy to hear his father tell his mother: “Have you seen the order Seryozha put in the parrot's cage? Cleanliness and tidiness! Sergei did a great job! " The girl is also pleased to hear such a conversation between her mother and her father: “I hope that Tanya will help me prepare the filling for the pie tomorrow. Pies are always tastier if the filling was prepared by Tanya. "

To increase the child's self-esteem, all these kind words can be said to the child himself, but one does not interfere with the other. Hearing that people speak well of you "behind your back" can be much more pleasant!

How to improve a child's self-esteem through play?

Game for children and parents "Let's talk about us" (from 9 years old)

This game - exercise improves relationships, increases self-esteem, reduces tension.

Sit opposite each other. Say in turn what you like in the person sitting opposite: "I like it, son, that you ...".

After listening to you, the child voices what he likes about you. And so up to seven times.

Perhaps you will hear things that you would never have thought of! Try it!

It is also interesting to do this exercise with your husband (wife), with friends. You will probably learn a lot of interesting things about yourself.

The game "Say a compliment" (from 5 years old).

This game is well suited for birthdays, matinees. It allows children to know better what qualities other people like about them.

The game improves relationships and cheers up. Children sit on chairs in a circle.

In turn, each (or the one who gets the phantom) children say compliments:

Seryozha, I like that you are very brave. I remember how you helped me when an angry dog would not let me into the entrance.

Seryozha, you have beautiful handwriting.

Seryozha, it's always interesting to play with you.

Seryozha, you are a good friend.

Seryozha, you have a kind smile.

When everyone has expressed their opinion, you can ask Seryozha which compliment he liked more and why. An important condition of this game is that the children should be well acquainted.

You have learned how to increase the child's self-esteem, now is the time to put this knowledge into practice.

The development of self-esteem in a preschool child is an important stage in personality development. Parents mistakenly believe that a 5-6 year old baby is not capable of deeply thinking about his personality. It is the preschool age that determines the direction, the level of human activity. However, few children know how to assess themselves correctly. The formation of opinions is influenced by parents, peers, and adults around them. The quality of interpersonal relationships creates conditions for the development of an overestimated, adequate, low self-esteem in a preschooler.

Features of the formation of self-esteem

Experts confirm that preschool age is the period when a child begins to analyze his behavior. Opportunities arise to realistically assess their actions, then correlate them with the opinions of others. Under the influence of adults, preschool children form an idea of their abilities, study social values, make comparisons between their actions and those of other people. On these factors, one or another self-esteem of the child develops. To help their child, parents need to learn more about what affects the formation of self-esteem:

Signs of high self-esteem

For the majority of older preschool children, overestimated self-esteem is characteristic, which can be explained by the absence of negative criticism. This is especially pronounced in familiar situations, for example, during a walk, a child behaves like a leader, but at the same time commands children harshly. It would seem that this behavior has positive features: the preschooler becomes an active participant in competitions, games, contests, strives to achieve success. He boldly communicates with adults, is completely confident in his own abilities. Promotes his ideas, trying to get attention. Therefore, parents to some extent encourage such behavior of the child. They admire any action of the crumbs, his appearance, mental abilities, forgetting that there are negative traits of overestimation:

conflicts;
lack of ability to perceive criticism;
exactingness;
striving to become a leader at all costs, domination;
arrogance;
restlessness.

What happens when the assessment goes wrong:

Children overestimate their capabilities, considering themselves exceptional. Getting into the environment of peers, the baby ceases to feel “the best”, becomes “one of many”. Upon realizing this fact, an internal conflict begins. Increased self-esteem can become dramatically lowered.
Overestimated self-esteem is often the cause of communication problems with peers. Having the makings of a leader, the child is not able to win the respect of his peers. Conflicts arise, the preschooler tries to "crush" children who reject his idealized image. Often uses violence to punish others for their own failures. He tries to devalue the achievements of the other guys, envying other people's successes.
An increased assessment interferes with educational activity, since the preschooler overestimates mental abilities, often interrupts educators, argues, and denies the low results of the work performed.
Communicating within the family, the behavior of such children becomes uncontrollable. They require increased attention, cry because of the rejections of adults. Having received a comment, they show aggression towards family members. Feeling permissiveness, children refuse to do household chores, put away toys until their demands are met.

Important! Parents need to understand that the appearance of increased conceit in a child is a signal to visit a psychologist. It is necessary to correct the behavior in time, otherwise the problem will worsen. Such deviations will negatively affect further growing up.

Low self-esteem of preschoolers

Low self-esteem of older preschool children is rare, being a deviation in personality formation. The features of such guys are manifested in their behavior:

very often they are characterized by shyness, isolation, an unstable emotional background, for example, they may suddenly burst into tears;
try to avoid responsible decisions, take a deliberately simple position;
in public speaking, they show lower results than performing individual work;
feeling a failure, they stop performing any activity;
they have few friends, as they try to avoid large companies.

Insecure children often have dysfunctional families and low social status. This causes constant ridicule of peers, defines them in the category of rejected. The wrong assessment of the personality can arise due to the constant negative environment created by the parents themselves. For example, mom constantly pulls the baby down, scolds for any mistakes and pranks, doubts his abilities. The kid is sure that if he coped poorly with one task, he will not complete another task either. Children with low self-esteem have the following Problems :

conflict when communicating with peers;
have poor personality development;
they often display anger, hostility.

Important! Adults should remember: senior preschool age is a period when every rude word, unfounded criticism can have a detrimental effect on socialization. The child needs to be loved, supported, accepted all his qualities, helped to get rid of negative ones.

Features of adequate self-esteem

Adequate self-esteem in children develops in the presence of correct self-knowledge. The main characteristics of normal personality development are the ability to admit mistakes, a real assessment of one's own actions. Kids with adequate self-knowledge analyze the activity, explain the reason for the failure. Strive to do teamwork,
support friends, show a friendly attitude, easily communicate with children. Characteristics of children with adequate self-esteem:

a responsibility;
the ability to appreciate others;
confidence;
adherence to principles;
defending their own interests.

Features of behavior with adequate self-esteem:

Preschoolers can ask adults for help in times of difficulty while maintaining confidence.
Children are able to adequately assess their own behavior, they know how to accept themselves as they are.
Having made a mistake, they tend to choose a less difficult task. Having received a positive result, they strive to achieve even greater success.

Adequate self-esteem of older preschool children appears due to the correctly chosen model of upbringing. Correct parenting parents think about their behavior when there is a small family member nearby. They thank him for the work done, concentrate on the positive. Allows you to take the initiative, support during times of failure. They do not set impossible goals for him, instead of criticism they calmly explain: it is unacceptable to do some things. Feeling this attitude, the baby gains confidence, begins to show interest, and successfully completes tasks.

How to praise and punish correctly to build adequate self-esteem

How to improve self-esteem in a child? Loving parents are puzzled by this question. Experts recommend making praise and punishment important elements of the educational process. There is no need to be afraid of punishment, because with the right approach, this is a management method that can subdue, change the thoughts, behavior, and lifestyle of a child. However, when punishment becomes a way of self-affirmation for the parent, the result of upbringing is zero. The use of such ineffective measures as screaming, aggression, physical strength, will not help the formation of adequate self-esteem. This distorts the crumbs' idea of normal relationships between people. What you can do to help your child build self-esteem:

Conduct an educational conversation. If the little one is very nosy, it is better to talk, creating a calm atmosphere. This approach will make him understand, analyze his actions.
Offer to fix the situation yourself. If a preschooler broke, spoiled some thing, you need to give him the opportunity to compensate for the damage. Correcting your own mistakes is a very useful tool for thinking, making the right decision.
Positive attitude. In addition to correcting the situation, the adult should encourage the baby to do things useful. For example, removing scattered things, you can improve the look of the room, perform a small rearrangement.
Instead of constantly shouting, it is necessary to formulate clear requirements and monitor their implementation.
If you still need to punish the child, you need to warn about the punishment.
There are more effective ways to persuade a preschooler: involvement in interesting situations, suggestion, play, conversation. The use of such methods eliminates the need to punish.
Using praise is a more effective parenting method. Many families mistakenly believe that rewards can spoil a baby. The more often a preschooler hears approval, the less often he has to be punished. More praise, less punishment.

Important! Psychologists recommend adhering to the scheme: once punished - praised five times. Children of older preschool age more easily perceive, assimilate positive information. Growing up, they begin to independently analyze behavior, reflect on the correctness of actions, and avoid situations that displease their parents.

Ways to properly encourage a preschooler:

you need to praise for striving, an attempt to achieve a certain result;
parents should only evaluate actions;
use small rewards for praise;
give especially important instructions, emphasizing the importance, children;

How to determine self-esteem of a preschooler

Self-esteem diagnostics helps to determine the problems of personality development, self-knowledge of older preschool children. Deviations from the norm detected in time are easily corrected. The "Ladder" technique is a well-known method for diagnosing the type of self-assessment of a preschooler. The test helps to identify the attitude towards oneself, as well as to determine how, in his opinion, others evaluate him. Such testing is quite accessible to parents as well. It can be done in a playful way.

To conduct the test, you will need a sheet of paper, a drawn staircase of seven steps, a figurine of a boy or girl, and a pencil. You need to ask the children to place the figurine opposite the step that they want to choose. The guys need to voice following conditions :

the first step is the best guys;
the second was taken by good guys;
the third is neither bad nor good;
fourth, more bad than good;
fifth - bad;
sixth - very bad;
the seventh was taken by the worst guys.

The chosen step will be an indicator of self-esteem. Interpreting test results :

the first - the second step is chosen by children with high self-esteem;
the third step speaks of adequate self-esteem;
the fourth - sixth show an underestimation;
seventh - extremely underestimated.

The results of the methodology help to reveal children's internal problems, to correct self-esteem, to develop the ability to correctly assess one's own personality.

In order for a preschooler to adequately assess their own abilities, parents must adhere to the following rules:

The success of human life, in addition to objective circumstances, is also influenced by the level of self-esteem, which begins to form in the preschool period under the influence of the child's environment, primarily the parents. Self-esteem is a person's assessment of their capabilities, qualities and place among other people.

A healthy atmosphere in the family, the desire to understand and support the child, sincere participation and empathy, a sense of psychological security - these are the components for the formation of a positive adequate self-esteem in a child.

Child with high self-esteem may think that he is right about everything. He seeks to control other children, seeing their weaknesses, but not seeing his own, often interrupts, treats others downwardly, tries with all his might to attract attention to himself. From a child with high self-esteem, you can hear: "I am the best." With high self-esteem, children are often aggressive, belittling the achievements of other children.

If the child's self-esteem is underestimated most likely, he is anxious, unsure of his own abilities. Such a child constantly thinks that he will be deceived, hurt, underestimated, always expects the worst, builds a defensive wall of mistrust around himself. He seeks solitude, touchy, indecisive. Such children do not adapt well to new conditions. When doing any business, they are determined to fail, finding insurmountable obstacles. Children with low self-esteem often refuse new activities for fear of not coping, overestimate the achievements of other children and do not attach importance to their own successes.

Low, negative self-esteem in a child is extremely unfavorable for the full development of the personality. Such children are in danger of forming the attitude "I am bad", "I can not do anything", "I am a loser."

At adequate self-esteem child creates an atmosphere of honesty, responsibility, compassion and love around him. He feels appreciated and respected. He believes in himself, although he is able to ask for help, is able to make decisions, can admit the presence of mistakes in his work. He appreciates himself, and therefore is ready to appreciate those around him. Such a child does not have barriers that prevent him from experiencing a variety of feelings for himself and others. He accepts himself and others as they are.

Praise is right

Of great importance in the formation of a child's self-esteem is an interested adult's attitude, approval, praise, support and encouragement - they stimulate the child's activity, form moral habits of behavior. Physiologist D.V. Kolesov notes: "Praise for consolidating a good habit is more effective than censure for preventing a bad habit. Praise, inducing a positive emotional state, helps to raise strength, energy, strengthens a person's desire to communicate, cooperate with other people ..."... If the child does not receive timely approval in the process of activity, he has a feeling of insecurity.

However, praise must also be correct! Realizing how important praise is for a child, it must be used very skillfully. Vladimir Levy, author of the book "The Unusual Child", believes that no need to praise the child in the following cases:

For what has been achieved not by their own labor- physical, mental or mental.
Not to be praised beauty, health. All natural abilities as such, including a good disposition.
Toys, things, clothes, accidental find.
You cannot praise out of pity.
From a desire to please.

Praise and encouragement: why?

It is important to remember that absolutely all children are talented in their own way. Parents should be more attentive to their children in order to find the talent inherent in the child and develop it. It is important to encourage anyone with the child's desire for self-expression and development... In no case should a child be told that he cannot become a great singer, dancer, etc. With such phrases, you not only discourage the child from striving for something, but also deprive him of self-confidence, underestimate his self-esteem, and reduce motivation.
Be sure to praise your children. for any merit: for good grades in school, for winning sports competitions, for a beautiful drawing.
One way to praise might be prepaid expense, or praise for what will come. Approval in advance will instill in the kid faith in himself, his strength: "You can do it!". "You can almost do it!", "You will definitely cope!", "I believe in you!", "You will succeed!" etc. Praise the child in the morning- this is an advance payment for the whole long and difficult day.

Vladimir Levy advises to remember about the child's suggestibility. If you say: "Nothing will ever come out of you!" After all, this is the most real direct suggestion and it works. The child can believe in your attitudes.

Tricks to improve a child's self-esteem:

Seek advice as a peer or senior. Be sure to follow the child's advice, even if he is far from the best, since the educational result is more important than any other.
Ask for help as a peer or senior.
There are times when an almighty adult needs to be younger - weak, dependent, helpless, defenseless ... from a child!

Already at 5-7 years old, this technique, used from time to time, can give miraculous results. And especially with a teenager, in a mother-son relationship - if you want to raise a real man.

Punishments: rules for parents

An important role in the formation of self-esteem is played not only by reward, but also by punishment. When punishing a child, you should adhere to a number of recommendations.

Punishment should not harm health- neither physical nor psychological. Moreover, the punishment should be helpful.
If there is a doubt, to punish or not to punish, - don't punish... Even if they already realized that they are usually too soft and indecisive. No "prevention".
At one time - oh bottom punishment... The punishment can be severe, but only one, for all at once.
Punishment - not at the expense of love... Whatever happens, don't deprive your baby of your warmth.
Never do not take things away donated by you or anyone else - never!
Can cancel punishment... Even if he misbehaves in such a way that it could not be worse, even if he just yelled at you, but at the same time today he helped the patient or protected the weak. Be sure to explain to your child why you did this.
Better not to punish than to punish too late. Late punishments inspire the child with the past, do not allow him to become different.
Punished - Forgiven... If the incident is over, try not to think about "old sins". Do not interfere with starting to live anew. Remembering the past, you run the risk of forming a feeling of "always guilty" in the baby.
No humiliation... If the child thinks we are unfair, the punishment will work in the opposite direction.

Techniques for normalizing a child's overestimated self-esteem:

Teach your child to listen to the opinions of others.
Be calm about criticism, without aggression.
Teach to respect the feelings and desires of other children, as these are just as important as your own feelings and desires.

We do not punish:

If the child is not feeling well or is sick.
When the child eats, after sleep, before sleep, during play, during work.
Immediately after mental or physical trauma.
When a child cannot cope with fear, with inattention, with mobility, with irritability, with any deficiency, making sincere efforts. And in all cases when something does not work out.
When the internal motives of an act are incomprehensible to us.
When we ourselves are not ourselves, when we are upset or annoyed for some reason ...

To develop adequate self-esteem in a child

Do not protect your child from everyday activities, do not seek to solve all problems for him, but do not overload him. Let the child help with the cleaning, enjoy the work done and the praise it deserves. Challenge your child to tasks that are feasible so that he can feel skillful and useful.
Don't overpraise your child, but also remember to reward when they deserve it.
Remember that both praise and punishment must be adequate to build adequate self-esteem.
Encourage your child to take initiative.
Show by your example the adequacy of the attitude to success and failure. Compare: "Mom didn't make a pie - well, nothing, next time we'll put in more flour." Or: "Horror! The cake did not work out! I will never bake again!"
Don't compare your child to other children. Compare it with yourself (the way it was yesterday or will be tomorrow).
Scold for specific actions, not in general.
Remember that negative judgment is the enemy of interest and creativity.
Analyze with the baby his failures, making the right conclusions. You can tell him something by your example, so the child will feel an atmosphere of trust, he will understand that you are closer to him.
Try to accept your child as he is.

Games and tests

I suggest that you familiarize yourself with some games that will help determine the type of self-esteem of your child, as well as form and maintain an adequate level of self-esteem.

Test "Ladder" ("Ten steps")

This test has been used since the age of 3.

Draw on a piece of paper or cut a 10-rung ladder. Now show it to your child and explain that the worst (angry, envious, etc.) boys and girls are on the lowest step, a little better on the second step, even better on the third, and so on. But on the very top step there are the smartest (good, kind) boys and girls. It is important that the child correctly understands the location on the steps, you can ask him about it again.

Now ask: what step would he be on? Let him draw himself on this step or put a doll. So you have completed the task, it remains to draw conclusions.

If the child puts himself on the first, second, third steps from the bottom, then he has low self-esteem.

If on the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, then average (adequate).

And if it is on the 8th, 9th, 10th, then self-esteem is overstated.

Attention: in preschoolers, self-esteem is considered overestimated if the child constantly puts himself on the 10th step.

"Name" (N.V. Klyueva, N.V. Kasatkina)

This game can provide additional information about the child's self-esteem.

You can invite your child to come up with a name that he would like to have, or keep his own. Ask why he doesn't like or like his name, why he would like to be called differently. This game can provide additional information about the toddler's self-esteem. After all, often giving up on his name means that the child is dissatisfied with himself or wants to be better than he is now.

"Playing situations" (N. V. Klyueva, Y. Kasatkina)

The child is offered situations in which he must portray himself. Situations can be different, invented or taken from life. Other roles in the enactment are played by one of the parents or other children. Sometimes it is helpful to switch roles. Examples of situations:

You entered the competition and took first place, and your friend was almost the last. He was very upset. Help him calm down.
Mom brought 3 oranges for you and your sister (brother). How do you share them? Why?
The guys from your group in kindergarten are playing an interesting game, and you are late, the game has already begun. Ask to be accepted into the game. What will you do if the kids don't want to accept you? (This game will help your child learn effective behaviors and use them in real life.)

Try to be more attentive to your children, encourage and praise them, spend more time together, and you will help your baby become happier, fill his life with bright colors. I believe in you!

Photo: Nadezhda1906 / depositphotos.com

Whether your children will be successful in life and how their destiny will turn out depends on their confidence in themselves and their strengths. Whether the son is studying for only three or five, whether he is going to enter a school or an international university - all this is secondary. Chemistry, physics and other school subjects in the future may simply not be useful to him. The main thing is that the child knows his own worth and strives for more, and does not stop there.

How to understand your child's self-esteem

Classroom performance is what parents usually put first. As a result, it turns out that the neighbor's boy, who studied with only three grades, drives a posh jeep. And Masha, a diligent student and pride of the school, works in an inconspicuous company as an ordinary employee.

Unfortunately, parents rarely pay attention to their baby's self-esteem. And it doesn't matter if it is overpriced or understated. Any, even a very small deviation from the norm is bad. The point is that a self-confident person, regardless of circumstances and obstacles, will be able to achieve more in life.

A notorious person who lives by the rules is content with what he has. Too self-confident is convinced that he is not appreciated or loved, despite the fact that he is the best specialist on this planet. As a result, the last two categories of people are disappointed in life, and their failures are passed on to others.

There are signs by which you can understand what kind of self-esteem your child has. First, listen to what he says about himself. If in his set of phrases for characterization there are "lazy", "greedy", "clumsy", "ugly", "stupid", then it's time to sound the alarm.

Such children believe that they simply have no right to make a mistake - otherwise, they will be unhappy. If the kid constantly asks about the correctness of his actions (even a banal washing), then ask - why is he doing this? Surely he will scowl and answer: "I do not know."

You just pay attention to how the baby responds to your request, for example, to wash his boots. He will do it slowly and in a very strange way: his hands are trembling, a lot of fussy movements. This is also a sign of low self-esteem - in this way he tries to avoid mistakes in fulfilling the request.

Very often, this condition goes too far, and then an insecure loser grows out of a child with low self-esteem.

Such people:

They are always the object of ridicule, grins and bullying.
Usually alone - neither friends, nor girlfriends, nor just good acquaintances.
They do not make their own independent decisions and are ready to follow any person.
Under the yoke of failures, they can completely wither and "hit all the hard" - alcoholism, drug addiction, theft.

Fear, loneliness and continuous failure are constant companions of people with low self-esteem. Hardly any of the parents dreams of seeing their child like that. It is necessary to take action as soon as the first signs of such problems are noticed. And in no case should you reproach him for anything - your self-esteem certainly does not increase from your reproaches.

Low self-esteem

Does your son constantly complain that his deskmate is smarter, prettier, and better dressed? Or did he often assert that you do not love him? Constant tearfulness, fear of punishment, expectation of the worst, self-doubt are all the first signs of low self-esteem.

If you do not take any steps, in the future they will begin to offend him in the class, he will not be able to adapt even to small changes in life.

If you try your luck elsewhere and pick him up from school (or transfer him to another class), the situation will not change in any way. The schoolboy sets himself up for failure, repeating to himself “I will not be able to study with an A”, “I will not solve this problem”, “I am a loser,” etc.

Heightened self-esteem

Usually, children with high self-esteem believe that they are always right about everything. At the same time, they can argue that a grade on test work is not their inattention, but the teacher's nagging. They are not used to realizing their mistakes, there is no authority for them. They often disrespect even their parents or experienced mentors.

A small person seeks to subjugate everyone to himself, using other people's weaknesses, desires, aspirations, trying to stand out against the background of other people's failures.

Usually such children are the ringleaders, aggressors and rather cruel leaders in the future. “I know better”, “You won't succeed, but I can” - at first such an initiative of the child touches the parents. And, unfortunately, loving dads and moms realize too late that they raised a tyrant.

Adequate self-esteem

Such a child is not afraid to ask for help, since he understands that it is impossible to know and be able to everything. At the first failure, he does not give up and does not go with the flow, but first tries to solve everything with his own efforts. He knows that he is loved and appreciated, so he is not afraid to seem weak. The kid never shifts responsibilities to others. Having provided any of the comrades with help, the student will not ask for rewards for this.

If your child has adequate self-esteem, he will not play on his nerves, demand special treatment from friends, relatives or acquaintances, or look for benefits everywhere. He accepts people as they are. Moderately self-confident people in the future are much easier in life, since they are never disappointed in friends, family and work. They really look at things.

How to boost your child's self-esteem

There are ways to raise self-esteem and raise a self-sufficient, self-confident person. And the sooner you take action, the more likely you are to get a good result. At an older age (17-18 years old), without the help of a psychologist, you will hardly be able to radically change anything in the character of your son or daughter.

Regardless of age, status and gender, a person needs praise as much as monetary rewards.

By using the right words to approve of a particular action, you will reinforce your child's good habits. If you stop enjoying, for example, excellent marks, a room cleaned on time or washed dishes, the student will eventually lose interest in this. For you, an ode to the garbage taken out is stupidity, for a baby it is a vital necessity. Don't take these actions for granted.

When you can't praise

But you need to praise the child correctly and in moderation. In some moments it is better to restrain yourself, since flattery can be very harmful.

Dishonest accomplishments

When a student got a good mark by writing off a test from a neighbor on a desk, he showed resourcefulness. Therefore, it makes no sense to blame for ingenuity. But it is not worth admiring how he acted in this situation. Try to explain to him that he has appropriated other people's works for himself. If this happens for the first time, you can refrain from expressing your own opinion.

Natural data

Expressive eyes, graceful nose, great hair - all this is good, but it is not your child's merit. Of course, we must say that he is beautiful. But only occasionally, so that the baby knows and realizes that he is not worse than the others.

Things

To be delighted that a student has a beautiful backpack is as bad as telling a girl that she looks great thanks to a dress. To some extent, this is even insulting. Clothes, toys and other little things that you bought or donated are taken for granted by adults.

Pity or desire to please

Some believe flattering can bribe a child or boost his self-esteem. And this is one of the biggest mistakes adults make. But children are very sensitive to lies, hypocrisy and flattery. By telling a clear lie, you can push your baby away from you.

What to express praise and gratitude for

But you need to praise the child in the following cases.

Talent

Does the child sing, dance, paint or play instruments? Encourage him to try to find himself, even if at first he is not good at everything. Do not rush with phrases that the second Pushkin or Michael Jackson will not work out of him. This will have a very bad effect on his self-esteem, he will immediately lose interest in what is happening.

Honest merit

Whatever your child does, praise him if he put in the effort. Let it be a trifle: helping around the house, homework done on time, playing with your little brother, reading a book. Anyone is pleased when his actions that bring benefit are appreciated.

For future successes

Learn to motivate your student. Can't solve the problem? Tell them that you are confident in their success. Do you have a test? But you do not even doubt that your child will be able to write an excellent job. Do not forget to praise your daughter before leaving the house, and then in the evening you will certainly be pleased with your achievements.

Self-Esteem Tricks

Simple techniques will help your child build self-esteem and feel confident.

Always ask your child for advice when making any decision. This will help him understand his importance and raise his self-esteem. However, in this case, there is one "but". Even if your opinion differs from the wishes of the baby, try to follow his recommendations. Otherwise, the effect of this technique will be completely opposite - you will develop a lot of complexes and fears. And next time you will simply be afraid to express your thoughts.

Ask for help

The son will perfectly cope with the broken stool, the daughter will sew the button that has come off the blouse. Do not try to do everything yourself, ask your children for help. At the same time, treat them as equals and do not demand immediate fulfillment of your whims. Duties (cleaning, washing dishes, peeling potatoes) are completely different, their younger members of the family must fulfill them unquestioningly.

Play weakness

Having taken all upon themselves, parents raise hothouse children. In the future, becoming adults, many of them cannot even cook soup. And this is not to mention more serious tasks. Any job will be disheartening. After all, before, everything was done for them by those around them - grandmothers, mothers, friends. In adulthood, people should be able to take responsibility for themselves.

You can ask to look after a sick family member, go to the store and buy everything you need. Teens can already pay bills, send mail, walk the dog. The older the child is, the more he should help his parents. Of course, you shouldn't blame all the household chores on him either.

Six rules of punishment

Daughter or son are guilty, and you once again put them in a corner, grimly muttering that nothing good will ever come of him? Don't be surprised if your setup works. After all, you subconsciously drive into the child's head the thought that he is bad, stupid, etc. But mothers should not forgive everything and leave offenses unpunished. You just need to learn how to do it right.

In order not to harm the child's self-esteem, he must be punished correctly.

Harmlessness

There should be no physical, psychological violence. Moral humiliation will lead to a drop in self-esteem or, even worse, embitter the child. Remember, for bullying minors you can be deprived of parental rights.

Doubts

If you're not sure if your son broke glass at school, don't punish him. But even when after two or three weeks he confesses to the misconduct, you should not deprive him of his computer as a preventive measure. Otherwise, he will simply stop sharing with you what is happening to him in life.

Do not punish more than once

No matter how serious the offense is, you shouldn't be angry with your child forever. Do not think about this situation, do not punish again. Even after a year, do not reproach for mistakes if you find it difficult to forget about them. Otherwise, he will constantly feel guilty, he will not be able to move on.

Do not take personal belongings

Was your child given a typewriter on the control panel, and you took it away until he corrects his grades? By saying and showing that things do not belong to him, you develop fears in him, an inferiority complex. Over time, he will begin to think that he does not deserve what is available, he will be afraid to lose even the unnecessary.

Cancel the punishment

If the kid made a mistake, but quickly corrected his mistakes, or you punished him for nothing, then do not be afraid to change your mind. Otherwise, next time he will not want to take any action to improve the situation. After all, what's the point in trying to change yourself if the result is the same.

Express your love

Despite the fact that the child was guilty and was punished, you should still show maternal feelings. You cannot ignore him, be demonstratively silent or viciously answer questions and requests. If he asks for help or needs advice, forget about grievances and quarrels for a while. After all, first of all, you are a mother.

When you can't punish

Remember once and for all, everything should have its place and time! It is not always worth rushing to conclusions, making decisions without listening to the other side. And in some cases, it is strictly forbidden to punish, even if the child is really to blame. So, let’s let everything go to chance or wait for a while, if:

You are on edge, do not feel well, are very tired, or do not digest the situation.
The child is sick, busy with lessons, eating, playing, or you have guests.
When you are unable to understand the rationale behind the action, the child cannot explain his actions.
The child himself suffered shock, trauma, cannot cope with his feelings, fears and emotions.

How to help a notorious child adapt

What if the baby is overweight, has birth defects or is too shy? It makes no sense to convince a student that stupid classmates are harassing him. This will only make the problem worse. In this case, there are several ways to get peers to respect him.

Things

Give your child something to stand out in the crowd. You don't have to buy an expensive mobile phone or tablet. In the primary grades, it can be toys, in the older grades - a good bag, shoes, jewelry. Children are very cruel, so classmates who look much worse wear old clothes are often disliked. Remember, it is better to buy two or three good sweaters from the store, and not buy a whole wardrobe in stocks.

But do not follow the lead, do not buy him everything. Do not give gifts for something (good studies, achievements in sports, cleaning the house), otherwise in the future you will be required for a gift on any occasion. But if you have promised something, please, keep your word. The child must trust you.

Mugs

Enroll your son in football, the girl in a dance, or in a music school. Choose youth sections based on their potential. Interacting with the team and doing what he likes, the child will be liberated and find himself. The guy playing the guitar will always be the life of the party.

Speaker courses

Once your child learns to speak, start seeing a speech therapist. It will help you put your speech correctly and correct some defects. Children often cannot pronounce difficult sounds, which further affects their self-esteem. In elementary and high school, you should go to classes where specialists will teach public speaking.

Have you noticed that some kids have an amazing ability to communicate with everyone around them - peers, teenagers, adults? They are happy, always in a good mood and attract the attention of everyone around them, without exception. And some gloomy loners with whom there is nothing to talk about. This is a sad sight. But this means only one thing - such an uncommunicative person has low self-esteem, and this is exclusively the fault of the parents. After all, the family is the basis of the future character of the child. It is mom and dad who form the child's internal assessment of their behavior, skill and even mind.

How to help your child become more self-confident

Treat your child like a mature person. If you are inventing something for yourself, it does not mean that he thinks the same way as you do. For example, a son says, "I'm going for a walk." What does he mean by this, what does he think? Yes, everything is simple: "I'm tired and just want to ventilate my brains, run a little with friends and talk to that girl from the next doorway." And what does the mother think - he is lazy, does not want to help me and thinks only about partying! From here come prohibitions, tears, resentments and scandals. Mutual understanding deteriorates, and the child immediately feels like a slave who is simply not allowed to take a walk.

It is necessary to talk only "on an equal footing", otherwise the child will never become an independent person. See for yourself - try to behave like an adult relative. You will immediately see a response - he will begin to realize his importance, he will be more open and stop taking parental advice as excessive custody.

Try to praise him for everything. Even if something went wrong, your little one deserves praise only for the fact that he dared to do a useful job. Be sure to gently and carefully show your child how to do everything right - just unobtrusively and not with pretensions.

Look for an approach to your child. All children are different - they are individuals! Naturally, what is good for the upbringing of one may not work at all for another. You can try different options, but the most effective is a question-and-answer dialogue. Moreover, it is the child who must give the answer.

Be sure to create your baby's own world. Ideally, this should be a private room with low shelves, a large mirror, and personal items. If this is physically impossible to accomplish, then at least separate the corner in the room with a screen - even if he still has at least a minimum of personal space. This will teach him to be independent: low shelves will allow you to attract the child to cleaning, a mirror will help to monitor his appearance. These little things are the basis for the formation of a disciplined and responsible person.

Constantly emphasize to him that you fully trust. This very strongly encourages the fulfillment of deliberate actions. And, by the way, children who are treated with respect and trust are much less likely to turn into alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals - they just do not understand how they can let their relatives down. There is no need to constantly prompt and control his actions. It is imperative to talk about possible negative consequences and clarify: “You are an adult and must understand everything yourself. We trust you. "

How to approach your child

Yes, it's hard to be a parent. So that he is calm, and balanced, and fair, and kind, and wise. No one promised easy ways, you have to raise a person, and everything depends on mom and dad.

Children, like sponges, absorb absolutely all information, and do not think that after yesterday's punishment nothing happens in the child's head. Quite the opposite! He thinks, worries, doubts and makes one correct (as it seems to him) decision: as his mother says, so it is.

Psychologists often advise parents to talk to their baby in an affectionate manner. It is not at all necessary to call a 15-year-old teenager a child's nickname, but at a young age it is very useful. Even in these words, he will feel kindness, love and attention.

Do not scold your child in front of other people and peers. Even if they are grandmothers or uncles, neighbors or nephews. In no case should you humiliate a little person! And teaching and punishment in the presence of strangers is the most real humiliation. You just can't imagine how many people remember this childish "shame" all their lives.

It is from this moment that problems with mutual understanding can begin. Another point: if you find a diary with personal notes on a teenager, then never, under any circumstances, mention this. He will stop trusting you.

Walk with your child more often and play games with him. You should not replace communication with computer games - this is not the best hobby. But it will be very useful to play with cubes, make an applique, make some kind of craft! In the end, decorate a picture - both you and your baby really need this.

Be kind to your child. No troubles and problems should be displayed on the attitude towards him - remember that he has nothing to do with it. Throw out your resentment and anger on anything, just not on him. Better to walk down the street, put your thoughts in order and calm down. Or ask your child to leave the room for a few minutes, tell them that you have a headache and want to rest. Find any option, but start communicating with your closest person only in a good mood.

How to improve a child's self-esteem?

Child with high self-esteemmay think that he is right about everything. He seeks to control other children, seeing their weaknesses, but not seeing his own, often interrupts, treats others downwardly, tries with all his might to attract attention to himself. From a child with high self-esteem, you can hear: "I am the best." With high self-esteem, children are often aggressive, belittling the achievements of otherschildren.

If the child's self-esteem is underestimatedmost likely, he is anxious, unsure of his own abilities. Such a child constantly thinks that he will be deceived, hurt, underestimated, always expects the worst, builds a defensive wall of mistrust around himself. He seeks solitude, touchy, indecisive. Such children do not adapt well to new conditions. When doing any business, they are determined to fail, finding insurmountable obstacles. Children with low self-esteem often refuse new activities for fear of not coping, overestimate the achievements of other children and do not attach importance to their own successes.

At adequate self-esteem childcreates an atmosphere of honesty, responsibility, compassion and love around him. He feels appreciated and respected. He believes in himself, although he is able to ask for help, is able to make decisions, can admit the presence of mistakes in his work. He appreciates himself, and therefore is ready to appreciate those around him. Such a child does not have barriers that prevent him from experiencing a variety of feelings for himself and others. He accepts himself and others as they are.

Praise is right

Of great importance in the formation of a child's self-esteem is an interested adult's attitude, approval, praise, support and encouragement - they stimulate the child's activity, form moral habits of behavior. Physiologist D.V. Kolesov notes:"Praise for consolidating a good habit is more effective than censure for preventing a bad habit. Praise, inducing a positive emotional state, helps to raise strength, energy, strengthens a person's desire to communicate, cooperate with other people ..."... If the child does not receive timely approval in the process of activity, he has a feeling of insecurity.

For what has been achieved not by their own labor - physical, mental or mental.
Not to be praisedbeauty, health. All natural abilities as such, including a good disposition.
Toys , things, clothes, accidental find.
You cannot praise out of pity.
From a desire to please.

Praise and encouragement: why?

It is important to remember that absolutely all children are talented in their own way. Parents should be more attentive to their children in order to find the talent inherent in the child and develop it. It is important to encourage anyone withthe child's desire for self-expression and development... In no case should a child be told that he cannot become a great singer, dancer, etc. With such phrases, you not only discourage the child from striving for something, but also deprive him of self-confidence, underestimate his self-esteem, and reduce motivation.
Be sure to praise your children.for any merit: for good grades in school, for winning sports competitions, for a beautiful drawing.
One way to praise might be prepaid expense , or praise for what will come. Approval in advance will instill in the kid faith in himself, his strength: "You can do it!". "You can almost do it!", "You will definitely cope!", "I believe in you!", "You will succeed!" etc.Praise the child in the morning- this is an advance payment for the whole long and difficult day.

Vladimir Levy advises to remember about the child's suggestibility. If you say: "Nothing will ever come out of you!" After all, this is the most real direct suggestion and it works. The child can believe in your attitudes.

Tricks to improve a child's self-esteem:

Seek advice as a peer or senior. Be sure to follow the child's advice, even if he is far from the best, since the educational result is more important than any other.
Ask for help as a peer or senior.
There are times when an almighty adult needs to be younger - weak, dependent, helpless, defenseless ... from a child!

Already at 5-7 years old, this technique, used from time to time, can give miraculous results. And especially with a teenager, in a mother-son relationship - if you want to raise a real man.

Punishments: rules for parents

An important role in the formation of self-esteem is played not only by reward, but also by punishment. When punishing a child, you should adhere to a number of recommendations.

Punishment should not harm health- neither physical nor psychological. Moreover, the punishment should be helpful.
If there is a doubt, to punish or not to punish, - don't punish ... Even if they already realized that they are usually too soft and indecisive. No "prevention".
At one time - oh the bottom of the punishment ... The punishment can be severe, but only one, for all at once.
Punishment - not at the expense love ... Whatever happens, don't deprive your baby of your warmth.
Never do not take things awaydonated by you or anyone else - never!
Can cancel punishment... Even if he misbehaves in such a way that it could not be worse, even if he just yelled at you, but at the same time today he helped the patient or protected the weak. Be sure to explain to your child why you did this.
Better not to punish than to punish too late.Late punishmentsinspire the child with the past, do not allow him to become different.
Punished - Forgiven ... If the incident is over, try not to think about "old sins". Do not interfere with starting to live anew. Remembering the past, you run the risk of forming a feeling of "always guilty" in the baby.
No humiliation ... If the child thinks we are unfair, the punishment will work in the opposite direction.

Techniques for normalizing a child's overestimated self-esteem:

Teach your child to listen to the opinions of others.
Be calm about criticism, without aggression.
Teach to respect the feelings and desires of other children, as these are just as important as your own feelings and desires.

We do not punish:

If the child is not feeling well or is sick.
When the child eats, after sleep, before sleep, during play, during work.
Immediately after mental or physical trauma.
When a child cannot cope with fear, with inattention, with mobility, with irritability, with any deficiency, making sincere efforts. And in all cases when something does not work out.
When the internal motives of an act are incomprehensible to us.
When we ourselves are not ourselves, when we are tired, upset or irritated for some reason ...

To develop adequate self-esteem in a child

Do not protect your child from everyday activities, do not seek to solve all problems for him, but do not overload him. Let the child help with the cleaning, enjoy the work done and the praise it deserves. Challenge your child to tasks that are feasible so that he can feel skillful and useful.
Don't overpraise your child, but also remember to reward when they deserve it.
Remember that both praise and punishment must be adequate to build adequate self-esteem.
Encourage your child to take initiative.
Show by your example the adequacy of the attitude to success and failure. Compare: "Mom didn't make a pie - well, nothing, next time we'll put in more flour." Or: "Horror! The cake did not work out! I will never bake again!"
Don't compare your child to other children. Compare it with yourself (the way it was yesterday or will be tomorrow).
Scold for specific actions, not in general.
Remember that negative judgment is the enemy of interest and creativity.
Analyze with the baby his failures, making the right conclusions. You can tell him something by your example, so the child will feel an atmosphere of trust, he will understand that you are closer to him.
Try to accept your child as he is.

Games and tests

I suggest that you familiarize yourself with some games that will help determine the type of self-esteem of your child, as well as form and maintain an adequate level of self-esteem.

Test "Ladder" ("Ten steps")

This test has been used since the age of 3.

Now ask:what step would he be on? Let him draw himself on this step or put a doll. So you have completed the task, it remains to draw conclusions.

If the child puts himself on the first, second, third steps from the bottom, then he haslow self-esteem.

If on the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, thenaverage (adequate).

And if it is on the 8th, 9th, 10th, thenself-esteem is overstated.

Attention: in preschoolers, self-esteem is considered overestimated if the child constantly puts himself on the 10th step.

"Name"

This game can provide additional information about the child's self-esteem.

"Playing situations"

Try to be more attentive to your children, encourage and praise them, spend more time together, and you will help your baby become happier, fill his life with bright colors.